Archived Fuck life. I'm done. Just remember some of the things I've told you guys. I'll be dead shortly. (whatever)
submitted ago by Amalek_-
Posted by: Amalek_-
Posting time: 4.7 years ago on
Last edit time: never edited.
Archived on: 2/12/2017 1:51:00 AM
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11 upvotes, 11 downvotes (50% upvoted it)
Archived Fuck life. I'm done. Just remember some of the things I've told you guys. I'll be dead shortly. (whatever)
submitted ago by Amalek_-
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[–] SarMegahhikkitha ago (edited ago)
Of course we want you. There are false Jews just like there are false anyone else. I didn't pay any money to convert so I don't know what you mean by that. I can make a conversion happen if you desire it.
[–] BenAhavah 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Yes, of course, and thank you.
I had a dream where a man pulled me aside and said I was already Jewish. Does that count?
The area I live in, is a wealthy area, but I am not. Mystics arent allowed to be wealthy because it perverts our judgement.
Lets make this happen!
[–] SarMegahhikkitha ago (edited ago)
According to some, the convert is born a Jew; but unarguably, it was at very least foreknown before you were born that you would become a Jew.
Three things are typically required to become a Jew: circumcision, a decision of the beit din, and tevilah. However, since you were not circumcised at 8 days, it's an unnecessarily heavy burden to require this of you. Adult circumcision and needing to study Judaism for a year are often cited as requirements as a type of shit-test, because of the danger of converting and then not taking it seriously is extremely grave. It's considered far worse to fail at being a Jew than to succeed at being a Noahide. The second requirement, the beit din, is a euphemic way of saying "consulting the Ruach HaKodesh," which I have done, and the answer is that it's well for you to convert. (It's G-d, not Man, who decides if your soul is Jewish.) All that is left for you is the third requirement; find a natural body of water (or go to an actual men's mikveh at a synagogue), wear your shorts into the water and then take them off in the water so that you're completely naked, face towards Jerusalem, repent of all the sins you can think of and ask G-d to bless and accept your conversion, immerse once, say the blessing for conversion Baruch atah Adonai eloheinu melech haOlam asher kidishanu bemitzvotav vetzivanu al tevilat gerim. Amen, then immerse two more times. When you return to the shore, pick up a paper you've written the shehecheyanu on, and recite it. After every b'racha, you must conclude with Amen for it to be valid.
I ask that you not take conversion lightly. Like I said, you can set yourself way back by taking the entire yoke of Heaven upon yourself with no intention of bearing the burden. Your first year you'll be forgiven for unintentionally messing up, but after that you should know the applicable halachot. Immediately after converting you will need to abstain from the 39 melachot on Shabbat, remain within the Shabbat boundaries, and conduct the Shabbat kiddush and havdalah ceremonies (which means you need a real silver kiddush cup, a plate for bread, and both Shabbat and havdalah candles). Ideally after the kiddush you'll also want to recite kabbalat Shabbat and read the kabbalah on the week's parsha, at very least the Arizal on the parsha. Every day you will have to wake up, wash your hands and say Modeh Ani then b'racha al netillat yadayim. Every time you leave a bathroom, you will have to say b'racha asher yatsar. Every time you eat or drink, you will have to say b'racha sheHaKol before eating, and give thanks to G-d for sustaining your body and spirit after you finish. Every night before sleep, you will have to put your right hand over your eyes and say Shema Israel Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echadddddd... Baruch Shem Kavod Malchutho L'olam va'edddddd. Amen. After you master these, you'll have to learn additional blessings, and eventually learn to conduct Birkat HaMazon (when you eat bread with 2+ people). It's helpful to learn these as songs to remember all of them well.
If you converted today you would have to abstain from work for 4 days in a row, for Shabbat and then the 3 days of Shavuot. Around the High Holy Days are a ton of holidays with their own observances, and this is typically the weed-out part of the "spend a year trying to be Jewish" requirement some rabbis demand. Altogether there are around 10 Jewish holidays it's important to observe, and some of them last for 8 days or 3 days. Sefirat HaOmer (not a holiday) has to be observed for 50 days, with Lag B'Omer observed on day 33. I added hebcal to Google Calendar and added long-forewarning reminders for everything, since some things you need for holidays need to be acquired online.
If you have any halachic, theological, mystical, or recommended reading questions, please PM me or send me your instant messenger details.