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[–] Phantom42 1 point 3 points (+4|-1) ago 

Ah, nervous empty feeling. I know it well.

Named him "The Hollow". You'll get used to it.

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[–] midnightblue1335 [S] 1 point 1 point (+2|-1) ago 

What do you reckon that feeling is? I've felt something similar before, when I was on my first deployment and a sniper opened fire on us. Nobody was hit or anything, but after that adrenaline wore off, I felt that weird nervous emptiness.

I wouldn't call it "dread". I felt dread when I began watching the Scandinavian girls' beheading video. It's a different sensation, but similar.

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[–] Phantom42 0 points 6 points (+6|-0) ago 

For me, it's merely a hollow void, filled with something, but there's nothing.

Death has a certain finality to it that nothing else does. It is cold, uncaring, and bleak. Being that close to it, as you were, you feel its effects. Because, subconsciously, you did die in that nameless place. You were hit. You were killed. But you really weren't.

As for me, in 7th grade I almost took my own life. The details keep getting harder to remember, except the date and that feeling you describe. For me at least, it hasn't gone away. In my case, it became a part of who I am. What I am.

Coming so close to dying is not something the healthy human mind enjoys. It does everything it can to avoid it, and make you believe you are a god among the earth.

But then one situation turns this whole idea into ashes and in its place stands only the idea you once were incapable of dying. You once moved the world, and it didn't move you.

But then something happened, and you were reminded, purely by nature, that you are just as squishy and soft as everyone else, and they're very squishy. Very vulnerable.

So, repeated exposure to death, whether actual, viewed in a screen, or near-miss scenarios such as yours and mine, it takes a chunk out of you. It leaves nothing behind.

That is the cost of living. You know that verse in the Bible, have a mind like a child? I've understood it to preserve that innocence, and that little kid in you. When the bastards have taken everything else, at least you will be safe with yourself.

Watch how these kids get older, and you see the weight of the world take its toll. Eventually there comes a point where they find themselves, or find themselves lacking.

I hit that point when I was ready to make an early exit. I made it through, and I believe that night, and many nights afterwards, I began to find myself and know what I stand for, what is right and good. It came at a severe cost though, and that was this Hollow type of feeling. I remember crying myself to sleep that night...

Anyhow, that is looking at this black hole/void/emptiness from my perspective. To you, it may be very different. You may even be "blurring the image" somewhat, trying to bury it under other feelings such as anger. Trying to fill it up again with something, anything. So, your observation may be that it isn't so empty as I describe it, but a mix of things. In reality it's just reflecting you.

You know that saying: "When you stare into the abyss, it stares back,"? Pretty much the same idea.

Now, I think I've ranted on long enough and for God's sake you're listening to a fucking 19 year old trying to talk about things that go far beyond his years. So... Have a good one midnight.

Oh, and don't bingewatch bestgore, mmk? You don't get used to it. You just get better at blocking out the mindfuck of it all.

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[–] uvulectomy 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

Smoldering rage that's only kept on the back burner by the fact that it's a nameless body on a screen, but knowing that if it came to your hometown, you would be splitting skulls with crowbars in short order?