Okay so I grew up with a single feminist mom and im sure its 90% of the reason I am so fucked up. I never used to hate faggots and never understood what a slippery slope that is. I am not a faggot, but I am sexually deviant. I have a fetish, and when I think of women I don't think about sex, I want them to sit on my face like a chair and ignore and/or humiliate me. There is more to the fetish than just getting sat on I like to be dominated and controlled, but either way sex just never appealed to me, even as a little kid. I am different from the faggots in the sense that I don't want people to know about my fetish. I am certainly not proud of it. I've only had sex with 1 woman that I hired as an escort but she ended up liking me and quitting escorting to be with me for a short time. She wanted to "fix" me so to speak, and being fixed appeals to a guy like me. I didn't ask for this fetish and literally have no idea why I am this way. I have serious sexual anxiety, I stiffen up like a board and she does all the work. I even had a full on panic attack once. Because of this fetish I was uncomfortable with myself most of my life. Never had girlfriends etc. I am a good looking dude and I can talk to girls but I never tried to pursue them because it would mean eventually having to tell a girl. The internet helped me to see I wasn't alone with this fetish, and over time I became more comfortable with myself because of faggots. They used the "born that way" bullshit brainwashing, and I thought hey me too! I would have liked to have had kids, who is going to take care of me when I am older like I am doing for my mom? My dad left when I was too young to remember. I visited him till I was around 10 years old or so every weekend, then he basically cut ties for 20 years
I blamed him solely back then, He would say things like nigger and faggot, and mom had taught me there was never an acceptable time to say those words. I had no idea that one day I would be as red pilled as he was and use those words freely. Is my Dad a piece of shit for not contacting me? Yes, but I am not sure what I would have done in his shoes with a feminist retard ex wife who made it difficult for him to see me. In my moms defense though, Dad never paid a dime in child support. I don't think I can ever truly forgive him, he has another family now that doesn't include me. I needed his teachings and he wasnt there for me. It's unfortunate that he has other kids with his other wife. Id have liked to be the end of these 2 bloodlines.
Its not just my sexual issues that I need life help with. I feel like everybody is going crazy around me, which probably means I am. I think the saying is something like if everyone is an asshole, its probably not everyone it's you. I don't think it is me though, here is an example. My nephew has had really bad luck with crazy women. Like bitches that would send empty cabs over to his house daily when he wouldn't answer his phone and more. He finally got rid of her months ago. Me, my mom, and my sister go out for dinner every sunday. My sister can't see shit she needs glasses and doesn't wear them. One of the girls working looks kind of similar to my nephews ex I guess but not really at all in my eyes. My sister said it was her, I told her no its not and not even close but she kept with it. I then moved on to what difference does it make if it is her? Are you gonna confront her at her place of work? Are you wanting to ruin dinner? And now mom and sister are looking at me like I am the asshole. That is with my FAMILY ffs, how do you think I fare with the rest of the world?
A post the other day really hit me hard and put me further into despair. It was mentioning how mens future has been sold out, and that a man is not a call center employee. That isn't exact wording but it hit me hard because I've had shitty job after shitty job in a sense. I was a computer tech for 7 years making 20 bucks an hour, then a call center employee for 8 years after that making about the same. Now what? Im 40 with nothing, living with mom. I don't care to find another shitty job I really just don't give a fuck and actually its worse that not giving a fuck. 2 of my good friends were murdered by a somalian nigger refugee https://globalnews.ca/news/3356812/second-degree-murder-charge-laid-in-1-of-2-chipman-homicides/ My taxes paid for that nigger to live in Canada. Also see if you can find out that Raymond Nickerson is a nigger or not, the media wont tell you hes a nigger. I found out when I drove to another province to see how the court case turned out. He was a fucking menace and should have been in jail long before he killed my 2 buddies. I have lots of buddies with good decent jobs like the 2 that were killed that could help me out and get me a higher paying oil job or something, but for what? So the government can take half and give it to niggers and faggots?
I sell weed now to get by, just the pot. I make as much as I did at the call center I figure, and I am not paying taxes. The government is about to take that away though, I am not down with selling harder drugs to avoid taxes. I know there are millions of white dudes just like me that are in despair. I sometimes think I am ready to pull the trigger and move the fuck on from this shit. I dont think Ill ever actually go through with it, but if I did I can tell you I would take people with me.
I want to work hard and prosper, but I can't be a part of this society much longer. I don't know what that means yet, does it mean death? Does it mean pulling something like Richard Proenneke and just go live in the bush? I can tell you I don't have the skills to do so right now, but maybe dying alone in the forest is better than the despair I am feeling. All you war on drugs faggots from telling me the weed is my problem, I have smoked so much fucking weed in my life it's immeasurable and your opinion is irrelevant to me. I became a computer tech while smoking daily all the time. I started when I was 13, right after I spent 3 days in the icu from drinking. I guess I have to tell that whole story now... 2nd time drinking, what do you do when your 13 and its your 2nd time drinking? You steal it from your parents who make saki. There were a bunch of gross cloudy bottles and 1 clear bottle, so I filled 2 500 ml pop bottles with it and left for my friends party. After getting dropped off at the end of the road, I immediately pulled out one of the bottles and pounded it in like 10 seconds. Being my 2nd time drinking, I just assumed all alcohol was that harsh, you see people wincing after drinking after all right? By the time we got to the party, which was less than a 2 minute walk I was already hammered like teen school girl hammered and I am a guy. 20 minutes later buddies older brother came home and saw me and immediately called the ambulance and my mom, he was young too like 15 maybe, but he was old enough to know something was not right with me. I never even touched the 2nd bottle, and it was moonshine if you havent figured that out yet, or at least distilled saki. I woke up 3 days later in the intensive care unit tied down naked with a fucking catheter. They told me I was extremely lucky to be alive, and that John(the older brother) had most certainly saved my life.
As dumb as kids are, guess who was the coolest fucking guy around? You drank so much you almost died!? Holy fuck you are awesome I wanna try that was the general consensus. I was done drinking after that for many years, and it basically turned me into a pothead. Above I made it sound like I only just recently started selling pot but Ill be honest its my real career. Ive done it since I was 13. One more reason I am a pothead though is from the same time period. That feminist mom met a new guy, who was a realtor. I fucking hated him at the time, and I am pretty sure he hated me. My mom decided to become a realtor with him, and from then on I was basically on my own 100%. They didn't give a fuck as long as I wasnt fucking up their shit. Children should be seen and not heard so get the fuck out of our presence was how they rolled. Thing is though, without that "stepdad" Id be even less of a man than I am now. The reason I hated him is because he was the first person that made me actually work. I had never been uncomfortable in my life so when he started making me do man type jobs around the house I could only hate him. This relates to pot because he died of melanoma cancer. He died slowly from it over a 5 year period around when I was 13 cant remember exactly, but in the last few months he decided fuck it im gonna start smoking weed. I thought the weed was going to save him because he immediately got better, had appetite again etc, but unfortunately it was too late. Thing is though, I had seen what the pot had done for him. I wanted to be part of that, and on top of the almost dying from drinking, pot was now me. Pot does not affect memory for the worse like people think. It does have downsides but memory is not one of them. I have pirated cd keys in my head for windows 98, windows xp, office 2000, office 97. I remember all my old phone numbers. I guess I could be an anomaly in that sense but I doubt it.
I don't know why I even wrote this post out. There is nothing anyone is going to say that will help me. Id like a normal life with a wife, kids, etc but that life seems 100% unreachable for me. I can find a woman that can deal with the sexual fetish now that I am semi comfortable with it but thats not the real reason its unreachable for me. I am the reason its unreachable, I dont know how to change the world or my thought processes to align me with what I want. And do I even want it? How do I even know that life would be better. I am part of the slippery slope thats led us to where we are today. Do I need to sign myself into a mental hospital?
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[–] TheyLie 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago (edited ago)
Take positive action. Stay in action as much as possible. Action towards goals. If no goals, then just take action that will impact your own like positively. Action might help dissipate the mental chatter. Additionally, perhaps you might look into sahaj marg meditation. Meditating is the only think I can think of that's free and that can dramatically help you. There's also some other good suggestions on here, maybe better than mine