Self awareness of just how ignorant you are and how little you know is scary. The thing is is that i understand people and humans motivations and the darkness of humanity. the eye opener for me was at the age of 6 i watched a few "news" programs for really the first time (before i lived out in basically nothing with no television) and all i could feel was contempt.
Literally I felt contempt directed at me by the people on the news they hated the people they were forced to sit in front of a camera for and they were lieing to me. They acted like nice people but the truth was these people were not nice. they were cruel beings but I saw other people ignoring these aspects of what was going on so I did not speak about it because it felt wrong like This was just something not talked about.
I go through school and have no connection to virtually any human being i meet because I loved star trek I wanted to advance humanity and learn science. No one around me was like that or had that kind of mind set all stupidity and madness.
I acknowledge my own ignorance of events that happen behind closed doors but the nature of humans seems to remain constant as i listen to them speak and watch them. Trump does not look at the camera with disdain for the people watching or the American people he is speaking to. bush often felt like he was a showman putting on the show for the people of the united states and obama talked nicely but basically was lieing out his ass and knew it. Hillary Clinton I felt nothing but contempt from her about the fact she was forced to actually give a damn about getting elected and it was not just handed to her cause it was her turn.
This is why when I heard about pizzagate I would not be surprised. Human beings can be monsters and being smarter does not make you more moral it only enhances your cruelty if your a bastard.
Now In fairness by about 8 I had developed a love for bondage and understood the dominance/submissive nature of sexuality because i was already masturbating and Thinking about that shit. I was raised Christian with virtually no influence from people of terrible natures. Some family members quietly disdained me but I understood society says no to children wanting sex on the surface but I understood that yes there would be people who would give me what my body craved but That most likely for what I was wanting with my hormones already raging (I had hair on my legs at the age of 10 but i didnt get super muscle growth or height gains :'( ) There would be a terrible price to be paid. It would be mean slavery and ownership by those kinds of people.
It was not that I read books on this subject, although i did read alot It was not that i had a mentor or someone teaching me advanced subjects I had just decided because of a episode of star trek I had seen when i was 6 that really spoke to me to follow the truth no matter where it lead me.
I accepted the cruelty of human nature but also the kindness I knew that not all people that would help me with my sexual nature would harm me because in truth they would see me as a adult and it was a grey line. That's not being sick thats what I was thinking at 8 but i knew that there was a chance for a terrible darkness to befall me I knew that I could be reprogrammed to have a different morality and outlook and that there was ways of removing what was "me" from my own brain.
this led to me having a complete distrust of authority and I kind of stopped caring about life and broke at about 10 for a long time without any direction or care. I just drifted without end without hope or meaning. I just let the hopelessness of the poverty I lived in and the crushing despair of the darkness of the world I saw was so bad and I could never talk about it with anyone. " my friends" were children. and I just lost myself to not think about the evil I saw I stepped off the path of knowledge and just fell into the chaos of just pure indulgence in whatever food/videogames/music/television made me feel good enough to just forget about the things i knew were reality and to ignore the truth I knew.
Ever since the internet came out I Wanted a place to talk freely but the truth is since before 9/11 I was super paranoid because of aforementioned thoughts and feelings. I was afraid that everything i ever said and did was going to be tracked down and that anything I said that was "wrongthink" was going to be used against me in the future.
All these feelings culminated in me nearly deciding to just end it quite a few times and no I do not mean leaving a message or going through the "grieving stages" Just straight up exiting out of life.
Obama getting elected meant nothing to be because I knew that the president was a chosen thing not something that was done via democracy or merit but by how willing they are to do what they are told.
I hated bush I hated obama and I hate both clintons.
Now we are here in a place where things have changed a bit. There is still a chance to make things better and yes we know more now. The corruption is getting easier to spot and the cruelty and darkness is becoming more visible even to those that do not see it directly.
Its just I see and meet people with belief that they know morality and that its black and white and easy. but really I do not understand how people can view it that way or pretend that its that simple or easy. So many threads and so many nuances.
Ignorance is bliss because the truth can break a person IT broke me for a long time because I was alone with it. I am just happy there are people growing up that are not alone as I was at that age the loneliness of what I could see and feel broke me.
I am not advocating pedophilia I am just pointing out my own thoughts and what I knew at that age because I delved into my own mind and learned from observing other humans. Reality is cruel and unbalanced and strange. Pretending that people are simple constructs that have a fixed progression is madness. I am just happy that the lies are breaking down. The lie about what is good or evil and we enter new territory where we are finally acknowledging what our reality is and what we are. IT feels refreshing and is kind of why I actually started moving forward again..not just trump but the nsa leaks gave me hope that there are good people in our world caring about humans in our government. even if it confirmed my fears about what was going on and that wrong think was being cataloged by the central gov.
What this message..well nothing really just wanted to say something maybe make some new friends. Or if you think I am sick twisted degenerate there is that to.