I recently posted this thread: https://voat.co/v/relationships/comments/803861
Here's where things stand as of now:
-We've talked a lot more, and she's given me better insight into some of her feelings. She feels like she doesn't have very much independence as it stands right now, and that she hasn't had a chance to see if she's capable of "doing it" on her own. She feels that she sometimes has to "answer to me", and she doesn't like that. A specific example she gave of this was a few days ago when she told me she was probably going to have plans this coming weekend, and I asked what her plans were and who they were with. I understand now that this might have sounded like me trying to be controlling, but I really was just curious.
-She says that she realizes that this is probably a mistake, but that it's one she feels like she has to make. She wants to know what it's like to have to pay all of her own bills, take care of herself, and have no one to catch her if she falls. My position on this is that although I make more money, we're doing this as a team. Nothing that we have is because of me alone - we've always acted as a team financially, and I would never presume to treat it differently than that.
-She says she feels like she doesn't love me as much as she used to, but recognizes that this may be a confusion about how the feelings of love are supposed to evolve over time. I've told her that I don't feel we've done much to work on our relationship over the past 6 months, so it's not surprising to me that the spark isn't there right now.
-She says she feels she's not a good enough girlfriend for me. This stems from the fact that I often tell her I think she looks pretty, beautiful, etc. I also have a much higher sex drive than she does. Additionally, I'll occasionally say things like "I can't wait to see you" when we talk on the phone. She feels guilty because she can't always return that honestly. I've tried to explain to her that this is just something I say - it's not like I'm literally biting my fingernails waiting for her to come home. It's kind of like how you say "have a nice day" to a person at the store.
-One problem is that although she wants to get her own place, she hasn't saved much money towards that goal as of yet. This means that it's not realistic for her to do this right now. It would be a minimum of 3 weeks to 1 month before she'd be in a position to do it, and even then she'd be without most of the bare essentials (i.e. a bed, a microwave, etc). She's also said she wouldn't want me to help her with that, and honestly I wouldn't really want to, though I also wouldn't want her to be sleeping on the floor.
-My suggestions has been as follows: We need to start working on this relationship. It's obvious that there are problems, but a lot of these problems sound, to me, like standard ones that many long-term couples face before they can fully commit to settling down. She still loves me, and I still love her. Neither of us wants to see the other in pain, and both of us want this to work, at least on some level. She agrees with that. I want us to take some time to have some serious, candid conversations about our relationship and our problems, and try to face those problems. In the meantime, she can work toward saving the money she will need if she decides to go through with this.
-We've also discussed the idea that we'd still be together if she moves out. We both agree that taking it back to "dating" each other might help restore some of the spark in our relationship, and would probably make us appreciate each other a lot more. It would also give her the space she needs, since with our schedules it's likely we'd only be able to see each other 2 - 3 times per week. Personally, I would rather avoid this scenario altogether though; I truly think that some of her issues stem from other problems, and that there are better solutions.
We talked at length last night, and I ended up leaving (not out of anger) to give her some space. I headed back to my work (I have my own office, a key to the building, and my boss knows I sometimes work late) since I didn't have anywhere else to go at 9pm at night, and I was there until 2am. She called me and asked me if I was coming home, and I asked her if she wanted me to be there. She said that regardless of what we're going through right now, it's my home and she wants me to be there. So I came home.
I went into work late today, and we had breakfast at Denny's before I went in. We talked some more then. She's still pretty conflicted, and still feels like her getting her own place would be the best thing, but she said she's willing to consider the idea that we could work these issues out if we try.
That's where things stand as of now. Before we both headed to work after breakfast, we kissed and hugged, and I told her that I really think we can figure this stuff out if we try. She said she knows, but she still has to think about it.
So, that's the update. That's everything from when I left off at my last post up until now. I really would appreciate any advice you guys can offer. I read every single comment on the last thread and responded to as many of them as I could. I will do the same here.
Sort: Top
[–] carlip 2 points 24 points 26 points (+26|-2) ago
IMO she just wants to fuck other people. Sounds like she is telling you what you want to hear in order to slip out on a "high note".
[–] needingsomeadvice [S] 1 point 0 points 1 point (+1|-1) ago
Honestly, I wish it was that simple. It would be easy for me to cut ties and move on if that was the case, but I know that it's not.
[–] odinist 1 point 19 points 20 points (+20|-1) ago
You're lying to yourself dude.
[–] insomniabob 1 point 6 points 7 points (+7|-1) ago
It is that simple. She may not even be annoying it to herself, but that's what this is. You guys were young when you meet, and now she's feeling trapped because she's getting old, and some part of her thinks she can do better.
She's probably wrong, but there's nothing you can do about that. Do yourself the favor and garden yourself emotionally, because this relationship is as good as over.
[–] BiscuitFever 1 point 3 points 4 points (+4|-1) ago
Congrats on being single.
[–] chronicdiscord 1 point 17 points 18 points (+18|-1) ago
She is still sounding crazy, and you are sounding like you want her far more than she wants you. Let her go and do her thing, find another girl who isn't going to be playing with you. You'll be better for it.
[–] [deleted] 1 point 7 points 8 points (+8|-1) ago
[–] needingsomeadvice [S] 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Isn't the point to try to beat those odds, though? 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway, but rather than just assume it's going to fail, isn't the intelligent thing to do to try and figure out what the problems are, rather than saying "Well, chalk it up to your age!" and leaving it at that?
[–] 7im 0 points 14 points 14 points (+14|-0) ago
I was engaged to someone for about 2 1/2 years back in the day (2009) and we lived together the whole time. At one point she wanted to move out and ended up using the same examples that your gf gave you. She said stuff about wanting to be independent and since she moved straight from her parents to my house she thought she'd grow up more to have her own responsibilities. Within a month of her being moved out I found out she was cheating on me with her boss from work. She used moving out as a way to cheat on me. I was sad for a while but I am fine now and in a much healthier relationship where the spark has never gone out.
[–] ooli 1 point 6 points 7 points (+7|-1) ago (edited ago)
the tell tale sign in OP story is the "don't ask with who I plan to go for the we". The "not good enough gf" also point toward cheating and culpability.
[–] revofire 0 points 2 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago
This. Do you know how innocent that question sounded? It could be viewed as controlling but really it's not. Even on a suspicious level it's not controlling. Seriously. She's fucking with you. And other people. She's going to fuck them too.
[–] BigFatDaddy 0 points 7 points 7 points (+7|-0) ago
Dude, don't play games with her. You know what you want and how you plan to get it. It sounds like she doesn't. You have been very honest and forthright about everything, it sounds like she hasn't. Best thing is to force her to choose, right now, whether she wants to be with you or not. None of this conflicted feelings lets work on it stuff. If you feel that the relationship could use some rekindling, that's one thing, but her moving out and "needing some space" is a different thing altogether. That's the separation before the divorce. Don't play games dude, and don't let her play them either.
[–] needingsomeadvice [S] 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Thanks, I appreciate the response. The logical side of me knows that you're probably right, but I mean, it's been almost 7 years. It's like just deciding not to see a family member anymore. It's a hard decision to make, especially when we both feel very conflicted. It would be a lot easier if she just didn't love me anymore.
[–] BigFatDaddy 0 points 3 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago
I get that, I really do. But here's the thing, she's "conflicted" right? She will stay that way until absolutely forced to choose. Thats just how it works. I understand it can be scary because, what if she doesn't choose you? 7 years down the drain, right? But that's STILL better than dragging it all out. That will only maximize the pain for everyone involved. Just like taking off a bandaid, it's ALWAYS better to just get it over with.
She needs to make a choice. Does she want to be with you, or be a "strong independent women" although I don't see how your supporting her and caring for her is preventing that. Either way, she's the one who has to choose, and dragging things out does no one any favors.
[–] ooli 0 points 5 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago
Still look like a soft dump from the outside. Use your time alone to better yourself. Be your own individual, not a simple part of a couple. You have one great thing going for you, that your gf does not have: You know exactly what you want in a relationship. And you know it is not living apart from the person you love. That's great. See all this as an opportunity for YOU to be alone, get friend, spend time with them, do the stuff you enjoy alone, or with people you want to reconnect with. You're in for good times. Try not to see your gf too often, because it will only make her feel more "controlled". Let her call you. And do not wait for those calls.
Best case scenario: your own independence will seduce/convince her back. Best case scenario 2: You'll discover new hobbies, friends and you'll meet someone who'd love to live with you.
What will NEVER happen: she dump you because you're TOO distant. She made it clear It will NEVER happen. So anyway put some distance.
[–] OjosAzules 1 point 4 points 5 points (+5|-1) ago
stop being a cuck
[–] MinorLeakage 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
So I feel like the standard response you're going to get is "leave her because you're clearly more invested than she is". I don't entirely disagree with that line of thinking, but I think it's a little too simplistic.
My opinion is really this:
You need to figure out exactly how much you want her, regardless of her feelings for you. If you really love her, then do your best to help her find that spark again. Be prepared for the possibility she may not find it, but at least you tried, and you can move on.
If you think about it really hard, and you're really not sure how you feel, and she isn't either, then after 6 years it's definitely time to move on. I don't believe taking a step back ever works out long-term for a relationship, so I personally wouldn't even try that route. Since this would be an amicable split, she could still take a few months to save the required money to move out. But I wouldn't hold any illusions. That would be the end of the relationship.
So I guess to paraphrase, you need make up your mind about what you want, and then try and get it. Let the cards fall where they may. Don't let your relationship die a slow death.
[–] needingsomeadvice [S] 0 points 2 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago
Thanks for the response, I appreciate it.
I've done a lot of thinking about exactly that - trying to figure out if I really do want to be with her this badly or if I'm just afraid of being alone. The conclusion I've come to is that I love her with everything I am, and I genuinely want to be with her. I don't want to be alone, but that's not why I am fighting so hard for this. I'm fighting for it because I feel that it's worth it, and that these feeling she's having are temporary.
I really feel like she's genuinely confused about what she wants, and because of that, I feel there's still a chance. If she wasn't confused, she'd be gone already. She's had lots of opportunities to do just that.
[–] MinorLeakage 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Well just make sure she knows how you feel. Keep doing your best, and I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.
[–] 4200743? ago
GF for 6.5 years means that you started around your 17-18.
It means that she had never had a chance to explore, to know if there are others that are better... Just let her go and let her explore. You can't keep someone into a relationship especially not at your age when you need to explore.
Loving someone also means setting them free if they ask for it.