/v/programming

Jesus and the Devil are in an eternal contest. What most people don't know is that every few thousand years, when technology hits new milestones, Jesus and the Devil meet up on earth to contest eachother using the latest technology.

The most recent contest was a programming contest. Whoever produces the best app in 1 month wins ownership of a few million souls who are currently in purgatory.

Jesus and the Devil sit at their workstations, feverishly for weeks, typing code at furious pace.

A few days into the third week, the Vatican [who sponsor both Jesus and the Devil] is hit by a hurricane and the power goes out. Both workstations flicker and blink off.

The Devil, so enraged, blinks down to hell to pick out an extra large pineapple to sodomize Hitler with. By the time he's done the power is back on at the Vatican and Jesus and the Devil are sat back at their workstations, feverishly hacking at the keyboards.

The month is up, Moloch and the Pope emerge from the Vatican's hallowed halls and step to the podium.

"We have two programs, one will clearly be superior. This new technology the humans have created is best used for devious purposes." - Moloch, with a grand hand flourish, presses the "enter" key for Satan's program.

"Nothing happened" said the Pope.

"Check the Voter Rolls", says Satan.

They look through the voter rolls and find that tens of thousands of illegal immigrants have been added to the rolls, and tens of thousands of registered Republicans have been kicked out of the system.

"That's great! Such turmoil and heartache you have caused! And with only a week to code due to the power failure!"

"It was easy, I still had access to Karl Rove's ORCA system and I just re-enabled it to do what it does every 4 years!". Satan stands with his arms folded, glowering eyes, sure of his victory.

"Yes yes Moloch, that was very impressive." Says the Pope. "But let's see what our Lord and Savior hath wrought on his Microsoft Ergo Keyboard."

The Pope presses the "Enter" key, and slowly a roiling tingle comes into being, it is at once all the birds singing, all choirs reaching a pinnacle, and the tone rises and rises until everyone's hair stands on end. The sky darkens, and the sun inverts and changes to a new soothing yellow tone which will permanently improve the moods of all life on earth. A new species appears, which eats biting flies and mosquitos, and poops candy. Finally, on every computer screen on the planet, users are notified of their new accounts in a high-efficiency Blockchain that is extensible like Ethereum but with much wider adoption like Bitcoin.

The Devil is livid. "There is no way he programmed all that in less than a week! You are fucking cheats!"

Moloch looks similarly chagrined, projecting, "I always knew you were a cheat."

The Pope simply waves his hands in dismissal and says "Didn't you know that Jesus saves?"

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And Just Like That, Your Code Became SJW-Proof (imgoat.com)

submitted 5 days ago by progressbin to programming (+68|-0)

22 comments

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Microsoft already ruining GitHub (programming)

submitted 3 days ago by KikesDidJFK to programming (+13|-1)

14 comments

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149

154

NPC Programming (files.catbox.moe)

submitted 9 days ago by Troll to programming (+154|-5)

35 comments

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Home | Lisp Machinery (orinrin.land)

submitted 2 days ago by buggermeevenharder to programming (+6|-1)

1 comment

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Who is the genius who think it would be a good idea to name a library set "processing"? (programming)

submitted 4 days ago by cjtendon to programming (+7|-0)

discuss

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Contributing to voat (programming)

submitted 5 days ago by hitch420 to programming (+12|-0)

6 comments

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Just quit a contract gig and gave the dude a week of work for free to wash my hands of the project (programming)

submitted 23 days ago by LiberalTalkingPoints to programming (+19|-0)

19 comments

So typical project. Functioning system that is 20 years old. It's been updated by multiple short-term hires and contractors every decade or so. Most of the work is competent, but it's official 100% spaghetti.

I go in and check out what they have, he has a Junior developer who is competent but this is literally his first job.

Get 3 priority items. Supposed to be a simple interface change to add some functionality to the frontend.

So day 1-3 is documenting code, setting up a git repository. It's dotted by constant interruptions.

We finish the interface to a testable state and then find the functionality does not exist in the back end, or we have no documentation about how it might have been implemented.

I should mention that they have no development environment, and each day I recommend we need a development sandbox to mimic the old modules and versions of software.

We are e-mailing the guy a file and he manually uploads it.

Day 4-5 spent documenting the backend and trying to duplicate code. Help integrate some Junior dev's interface updates into the software.

Day 5 the little yappy dog in the house where the office is barks the entire day.

Now it is a home run push to get the code working over the weekend to hit this guy's deadline.

Documentation that was promised on day one doesn't seem to exist.

Each time I suggest how to proceed he reviews with the Junior dev whose input is often irrelevant because he doesn't understand what I am talking about.

So I blow out both days of my weekend to try and hit this deadline. At the zero hour I fix some new bugs I introduced and am getting the debug data I need from the middleware client to confirm I am sending correct data to the backend which I can't access in any way.

Days 6 and 7 I have provided server logs the guy could get to me but never provides.

Reviewing code after unexpected Debug data, I find a broken function in the interface code. I broke it, however it was on the day with the barking dog and during a period of being micromanaged to attacking an issue there with bandaids and workarounds and more layers of spaghetti.

I am talking about variables that are hard coded multiple places into the system and also in a database which need to be updated separately to reflect consistent values throughout the system; all having different labels and constructs.

I fix the script bug in the interface that I introduced when integrating the other devs work [yeah we are gonna just do this one thing and then we can get the revision tracking/development sandbox going!] [I was using a local revisioner on my machine until we had theirs set up]

So with the script working, but only an hour left on the deadline, I realize mose likely I wouldn't.

During yet another telecon where I get suggestions from the Junior dev that are irrelevant to the problem, and more suggestion of adding more spaghetti code as a workaround which wouldn't work anyway without any documentation of the backend functionality, I just decided I wasn't going to make the deadline.

I sent the guy the repository I created, all my notes, thanked him for the opportunity and told him to keep my work as a gift.

I should have known day one. This was supposed to be a light contract job and I wasn't asking for too much money. But none of the goals and deadlines set were reasonable because of the way we had to send every revision to be manually updated for anything but the most basic debugging. Documentation that was promised on day one never arrived. Every time I was spending time reading code and making notes I was interrupted or pushed along to just get a quick patch in.

So it turned into a stressful, burn your weekend and disappoint your boss anyway situation because of how it was set up.

Some developers might have been able to get it working in that timeframe. I might be able to do it with a different approach.

But working like that is just not worth it. You end up losing all your ability to schedule anything, can't predict timelines, can't write good code in the timelines the boss is requesting, and end up walking into the last 5 developers unfinished work, probably because this guy micromanaged many of them into walking away from the project.

I'm going to become a park ranger.

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