Archived What to do when paramour isn't respecting boundaries about primary relationship? (polyamory)
submitted ago by libby
Posted by: libby
Posting time: 4.9 years ago on
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Archived on: 2/12/2017 1:51:00 AM
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3 upvotes, 3 downvotes (50% upvoted it)
Archived What to do when paramour isn't respecting boundaries about primary relationship? (polyamory)
submitted ago by libby
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[–] libby [S] 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
That's what I'm starting into. Some of the things I'm thinking of doing:
apologizing to SO for not bringing it up sooner
apologizing to paramour for the same
restating the boundaries for clarity and a common starting point
listing what behaviors crossed the line
explaining this needs to stop or I won't be willing to continue
I'm generally a really laid back person. This is unfamiliar territory and it comes across as a bit harsh laying down the law like this. I tend to avoid confrontation.
[–] [deleted] 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
[–] libby [S] 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago (edited ago)
I've let the violations pass without mention since the pretext was always reasonable. I've just been thinking about it and planning to comment if it continues.
My SO is very ill, yes; stuck in the hospital right now even. I don't think it's a deliberate attempt to cause upset though. Unfortunately it may already have caused some.
I decided to use email to do it. It's kinda lame, I know, but it let me carefully craft the message and make sure the tone was right. I wrote it pretty firm, but without anger or being judgemental.
I basically said, that XYZ was going against what we agreed and is creating the impression that she didn't respect the boundaries that were set. I also said that I'm not mad now and I see how it could just be a mistake or misunderstanding. But if it continues I'm out because I'm not going to jeopardize my primary relationship.
I hate being so stern, but I feel like trust is a really important thing in polyamory. If you can't trust all parties to be honest and respectful, it's going to cause problems. I really like this person but if she undermines my primary relationship by being a bad metamour, I won't be with her.