My mother was raised in an abusive home and raised us in that manner. She was abusive to us and would throw us into the wall, hit us with objects etc. It was bad.. when I was 2-3 yrs. old she decided to get a job because she could not handle the stressors of mother hood.. (she has admitted this after I became an adult and questioned everything) she began working and put me in daycare... that's when it all started... the sexual abuse... I was forced to lay down and it's all kind of broken memories from here. I don't remember the full extent of everything... I was only 3 at the time. I remember having to lay down with another girl.. my age..and she was Hispanic and she was forced to play with my private parts... then I remember matches being lit... not sure what happened though I seem to think my private parts? but I'm not sure.... and then physical abuse? Not sure what or why... it is all broken.. I apologize.. I can't seem to remember. I never told anyone until older. I'm not sure why and my mom and psychiatrist have asked me this but I simply do not know.. my thought is that maybe I was threatened?? Idk though. Anyways. My parents for switched to a private sitter because it was cheaper. I was now 4. She would make me lay in bed naked with her son who was also my age. We were both innocent at the time and didn't understand any of it.. I remember there being confusion. I didn't know what to do. So she would guide us. I'm not sure on the details..I only remember bits and pieces.. then it just kept happening... my parents would change babysitters and different abuse would happen... sometimes physical, other times sexual. It was a very dark time. I never told anyone anything until I became an adult. Again not sure why. The next abuse was when I was in 1st grade... a boy my age forced me into the boy's bathroom to do horrible things to me!! This I reported!!! I told my dad and the kid was expelled... sadly he lived across the street from me... So I had to see him daily BUT HE NEVER HURT ME AGAIN!!! next I was in the 3rd grade... this girl sat at my table.... she would play with me under the table.. when I would try to get up or scream for help she would hurt me... punch me, push her nails into me, I mean whatever to keep me quiet.. it went on for a few weeks and then I finally asked to move to another seat. Why I didn't think of that sooner??? Anyways abuse went on sporadically throughout my life... I have talked with others in rehabs etc and it was the same for them. For some reason when you are abused it seems as though a target is placed on to you... something that other abusers can see. Idk how to explain it.... but you're automatically just prone to more abuse.... you are silenced... you are helpless... you feel ashamed.. you feel guilty... this is our stigma... this is the stigma I fight against. No one should EVER have to feel this way for something they had NO control over!!!
I may update this as I remember more... I just kind of dumped it all out here without spell checking etc... I was in the moment and trying to dump it out. I will check back and change what I can. Thank you for this
view the rest of the comments →
[–] becki_p20 ago (edited ago)
Thank you for sharing and I am sorry that I didn't see this sooner. I don't come on voat a lot but I think that may change.. Anyways, I just want to thank you for your courage in coming forward about what happened to you. Having blocks in your memory is totally normal - I do too. Its the brains way of dealing with and processing the trauma that you have experienced. As time goes by, you may begin to remember more and be able to piece things together. This is probably the time when you need a lot of support from those around you. I'm glad to see that you're in therapy. Do you feel comfortable with your therapist? I know sometimes people go to therapy just because they feel they need to but they don't like their therapist. If that is you, I would really recommend you finding someone you feel more comfortable with. What you say about being prone to more abuse after being abused is exactly how I felt. I always felt like I had a flashing sign above my head saying "welcome to be abused". Pedophiles can see those that have been abused just as, often, survivors can recognise children that are being abused. But it wasn't your fault. Nothing that you experienced was your fault. Please remember that