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[–] Julian55 [S] 0 points 1 point (+1|-0) ago 

sorry, I just split it up in paragraphs to make it easier to read. thanks for criticism.

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[–] gopluckyourself 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago  (edited ago)

My only other criticisms are to try to make a synopsis of your information. You're (I know not purposefully) making your information hard to digest by ranting around it. Try not to make appeals to your reader begging them to believe you as well, this is a waste of your time and ours. If the information is good it will be received.
For future videos as well come up with a script before hand and try to follow the suggestions I've made about your writing. Keep your visual helpers to as few things as possible and only use things that help you get your point across. Inundating people with information just makes them want to stop reading.
edit: also look into these two things how to write a research paper and how to write a persuasive paper
http://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Research-Paper
http://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Persuasive-Essay

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[–] archons 0 points 1 point (+1|-0) ago 

I like what you have to say and I want to read more but yeah you're presentation is all over the place. I look forward to more though.