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[–] Whitworth 0 points 13 points (+13|-0) ago 

Look, kid, I’m going to break it to you. Your stuff is good, but I just don’t see you making it in this business. I looked for your constant stream of pedophilia themed social media posts thinly veiled as jokes, but my search came up empty. I honestly couldn’t even find your social media at all. I don’t think you’re cut out for this. It’s a good first draft, but you’ve got to punch up the tempo. Think about the marketing. What scenes can we plug into the trailer? You’ve got to consider these things.

Anyway, here’s a few ideas off the top of my head: let’s add a few new characters. I know Melissa McCarthy’s agent. We can get her as a a science teacher or something. Call her Mrs Chubbs McPrattfall...whatever. Maybe she could start the movie teaching the class about the gender pay gap when the shooter bursts in an shoots her in the vagina. She goes down screaming “He shot me in the vagina...” (emphasis on that word. A woman saying the word vagina is where the comedy money is at these days) Anyway, we let her adlib the death scene for a few takes; just let her roll around shouting random shit. She’s a professional, no need for a script there.

Also, let’s add a fat friend. These movies always need a fat friend. Leave it sorta open ended, like maybe him and your protagonist are fucking on the side, but don’t confirm or rule it out. Ambiguously gay, as they say. Let’s give him a scene for the trailer. When you’ve got the hot chicks rejecting Cera and then they get their brains splattered, hows about some of the brains get on Cera’s new sweater. Cera’s like “OMG I got the brains of the two hottest girls in school on my sweater!” Over comes fatty, who says, “Yeah, but what if it’s the part of their brains where they thought about sex?” Then fatty’s brains get blown out and a big chunk lands next to the other two. Cera looks horrified for a second before he gets a sly smile and squishes the three chunks of brains together and says to himself, “Threesome!” Put it in the red band trailer for the “unrated” version and you’ll double the box office.

Anyway, I know this guy, Sheckleberg, who can really punch up this script. We can negotiate a nominal fee for your first draft. It won’t be much, you understand, being the first draft, but maybe we can fit in something nice like a meet and greet with the director (of photography). Whatcha say?