[–] MDE_ALWAYS_LIVES [S] 0 points 21 points (+21|-0) ago 

the next morning, michael cera is given a big bin of mail that he's recieved already, and is told that his lawyer is arriving now.

michael cera reads a letter from the bin while he waits.

we only see Cera's shocked reaction to the first letter, while his lawyer(played by Matthew Mcconahay) comes in.

lawyer: "hi there, Michael, I'm your lawyer Matt. Before we get started, is there any questions you might have?"

michael cera: "yeah, how am i getting mail for this already? this just happened yesterday..."

lawyer: "yeah, but it happened yesterday MORNING. so there was plenty of time for some people to see you on the news and write letters before the mail went out for the day. this is just the batch of letters that made the cutoff."

michael cera: "wow."

lawyer: "yeah. it's a lot. you'll get used to it."

michael cera: "uh, i noticed a lot of these are love letters. from girls. in fact it seems like all of them are."

lawyer: "right, well i wouldn't worry about that. i deal with a lot of mass shooting, terrorist attack, and serial killing cases. the accused man always get a whole forest's worth of letters from nubile young women begging for him to fertalize their ovaries and defile them in every concievable way. it's something to do with the primal effect of a man asserting dominance through a public violent act or something. Oh and by the way, under this state's laws, the accused are also given full access to conjucal visit privilages no matter the crime, so a lot of men like you have that option available when they feel inclined and they usually do. Anyway, if we can get started on where you were during the events of the crime scene, i can try to--"

but we see that michael cera is not listening anymore.

we cut to a montage of michael cera plowing one groupie after another, in a trailer, to the tune of Hallelujah played by leonard cohen.

we cut to a news clip, telling us that the case will soon go to trial.

we cut to michael cera meeting with his lawyer again.

lawyer: "michael, listen to me, we have all the evidence in the world that you're innocent. if you just give me permission to plead that way, we can get you off the hook!"

lawyer is rubbing his head like he has a headache, as a result of dealing with Cera. he opens up his bottle of asprin to get a quick pill for himself while he listens to Cera's response.

michael cera: "yeah, maybe. i just dunno..."

lawyer: "if you don't give me permission, then i'll just have to do it without your permission. i will not lose this case just because you're too scared to fight back!"

but just then, another lawyer (a Men-In-Black lookin chick), we'll call her "lawyer 2" steps in.

lawyer 2: "michael cera, i'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your lawyer, but I want to let you know that as your NEW lawyer, i-- oh shit, you're still here."

lawyer: "yeah I'm still here, what the hell are you talking about?"

lawyer 2: "oh, nevermind. i'll see myself out."


lawyer: "anyway, as i was saying..."

lawyer takes his pill, then starts foaming at the mouth, with some kind of chemical gas fumes spilling out, he then keels over.

lawyer 2 pops back in.

lawyer 2: "ok, you remember my shpeil from earlier, right? i don't have to repeat that?"

michael cera: "is he ok?"

lawyer 2: "no, i'm afraid it appears he's had a heart attack."

michael cera: "THAT'S what a heart attack looks like?!"

lawyer 2: "i know, it's not like in the movies at all, is it?

lawyer 2 pushes lawyer 1's body out of the seat so that she can sit there instead.

lawyer 2: Anywho, i've taken the time to look over your case and i must say it's not good news. i'm afraid we don't have much of a chance on this one, i'm gonna reccomend you plead guilty."

michael cera: "sweet!

but then he gets sent to a county jail, where he gets plowed in the bung hole by nig nogs.

but he still gets conjucal visits, so he still boinks bimbos balls-deep on the reg too.

he's the fucker and the fucked. back and forth, every day.

Michael cera now has tattoos on his face and body, and wears a doo rag.

he is now open about his phony role in shooting. He looks straight at us, the audience, and says "i don't give a CRAP anymore."

As a result, one day, he is in a conjucal visit trailer with a new girl, and he tells her "before we get started, i just want to make sure if it's ok if we only do it in the missionary position? everything else feels too kinky for me", just like he always does, but the new girl ISN'T interested in fucking him at ALL.

She's an undercover reporter for Alex Jones' Infowars network. she wants info for their war on the official msm narrative about the shooting.

So he tells her that he's willing to testify the real story in court.

But time is running out. Fights are escalating in the prison, and it looks like they may soon turn into a full blown riot.

But then, once the undercover reporter leaves, some secret agents show up and introduce themselves to michael cera as Agent Zog (male) and Agent Henderson (female).

Agent Zog: "we can offer you protection. and in exchange, not only will you not testify, you'll give a new detailed confession with new motives added from this list so that the media can demonize people on the outside who have the same goals as your stated goals.

Agent Zog hands Cera the list.

Agent Zog: "just remember, if you refuse to cooperate, we can just have you eliminated.

michael cera: "wait.. so you guys really were behind the shooting?!

but just as they're talking the riot erupts into a full-on jail break.

while agent zog is distracted by this, michael cera grabs his gun from him and shoots him to death.

michael cera: "framing someone for murder ISN'T NICE!"

michael cera looks around for an escape. but agent henderson just saw him commit a brutally violent act...

agent henderson: "oh michael..." <3 <3 <3

henderson starts stripping off her clothes and chasing down michael cera.

michael cera: "aw geez, what the heck?"

agent henderson (buck naked): "take me now! i want your seed inside me!"

michael cera: "i don't have time for this!"

michael cera tries to keep moving, but agent henderson climbs on to him and ravages him.

michael cera: "ugh! FINE!"

meanwhile, in a helicopter above...

sniper: "wow. he's plowin' henderson."

agent 3: "nice"

agent 4: "yeah, not bad"

sniper: "tell me about it!"


agent 3: "you can take the shot now."

sniper takes the shot. michael cera's head explodes.

agent 3 (looking over to agent 4): "and uh, have someone send a car to pick up henderson, i guess."

agent 4: "roger, that's a wrap."

Directed by Stephen Spielberg.

[–] MDE_ALWAYS_LIVES [S] 0 points 8 points (+8|-0) ago 

But it was actually directed by Stephen Asperg.

[–] Durden79 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago 

I would definitely watch this film

[–] Whitworth 0 points 13 points (+13|-0) ago 

Look, kid, I’m going to break it to you. Your stuff is good, but I just don’t see you making it in this business. I looked for your constant stream of pedophilia themed social media posts thinly veiled as jokes, but my search came up empty. I honestly couldn’t even find your social media at all. I don’t think you’re cut out for this. It’s a good first draft, but you’ve got to punch up the tempo. Think about the marketing. What scenes can we plug into the trailer? You’ve got to consider these things.

Anyway, here’s a few ideas off the top of my head: let’s add a few new characters. I know Melissa McCarthy’s agent. We can get her as a a science teacher or something. Call her Mrs Chubbs McPrattfall...whatever. Maybe she could start the movie teaching the class about the gender pay gap when the shooter bursts in an shoots her in the vagina. She goes down screaming “He shot me in the vagina...” (emphasis on that word. A woman saying the word vagina is where the comedy money is at these days) Anyway, we let her adlib the death scene for a few takes; just let her roll around shouting random shit. She’s a professional, no need for a script there.

Also, let’s add a fat friend. These movies always need a fat friend. Leave it sorta open ended, like maybe him and your protagonist are fucking on the side, but don’t confirm or rule it out. Ambiguously gay, as they say. Let’s give him a scene for the trailer. When you’ve got the hot chicks rejecting Cera and then they get their brains splattered, hows about some of the brains get on Cera’s new sweater. Cera’s like “OMG I got the brains of the two hottest girls in school on my sweater!” Over comes fatty, who says, “Yeah, but what if it’s the part of their brains where they thought about sex?” Then fatty’s brains get blown out and a big chunk lands next to the other two. Cera looks horrified for a second before he gets a sly smile and squishes the three chunks of brains together and says to himself, “Threesome!” Put it in the red band trailer for the “unrated” version and you’ll double the box office.

Anyway, I know this guy, Sheckleberg, who can really punch up this script. We can negotiate a nominal fee for your first draft. It won’t be much, you understand, being the first draft, but maybe we can fit in something nice like a meet and greet with the director (of photography). Whatcha say?

[–] formerly_MCTGA 0 points 6 points (+6|-0) ago 

Hahaha. I remember when I first read this. I was stalking your profile when you posted something equally hilarious, and noticed this beauty had not gotten the recognition it deserved. I have always loved your posts man. Keep it up

[–] MDE_ALWAYS_LIVES [S] 0 points 7 points (+7|-0) ago 

Thanks dude. I'll post the rest soon. Maybe some new stuff too so we can get this place going.

[–] formerly_MCTGA 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago 

Hell yeah man. I can’t post yet but I’ll be helping soon enough I hope

[–] to_go_to_bed_forever 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 


In another timeline where joking about this stuff is seen as acceptable you'd be hanging with Weinstein.

[–] FriendlyJim 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

Revisiting the classics is always worthwhile.

[–] drfuckredit 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

This was surprisingly entertaining and cohesive

[–] satisfyinghump 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

This was extremely entertaining. Nice job!

[–] opchimera 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

did you know if you tell a jew a movie script, they can steal it and change 1 or 2 details and dont have to pay you shit? its a typical hollyjew tactic

the other one is to use their other companies to jew away at any profit the movie makes, they call it 'hollywood accounting', plenty of huge movies that have made hundreds of millions never actually made a """profit""". this also helps to jew out anyone involved with the movie, because giving someone a % cut of $0 is $0.

what lovely people, they rock

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