Orchard Park (NY)- On Wednesday morning a press conference was held at One Squirrel Drive by owner @bobroland to announce the hiring of new head coach, Rick Sanchez.
"We're very pleased to introduce a man of this level of intelligence" said @bobroland "as you know, we managed to set a league record last year of losing over 32 games in a single season. A new approach was called for. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our new head coach...Rick Sanchez and his Defensive coordinator, Morty Sanchez."
A green portal of energy appeared and Mr. Sanchez and his grandson walked out.
"Right. Right. [Belch]. I'm the coach now. See this whistle? Do you see it? Shiny whistle? They don't just...just...give these out to everyone. It means I'm in charge, right? Clipboard too. You assholes better watch out, because I'll blow this whistle. I'll blow this whistle harder than your mother on Navy day. I've...I've never seen this game, but from what I hear it's just a matter of scoring more glip glops than the other team."
Morty Sanchez interrupted. "Rick, I think they call them 'touchdowns' in this game."
"Touch downs. Glip globs. [Belch] who cares, Morty. It's the same thing. Doesn't matter what universe you're in, it's all...it's all the same. We want something. A ball. A stick. A blobbanon. We fight each other over it, and whoever has it in the end lives. It's all gay anyways."
"Oh geez, Rick" said Morty "I don't think you can call it gay. It's not very nice."
"It's gay, Morty. Big men in tights running around sweaty, grabbing each other's asses and wrestling other sweaty men to the ground? Have you seen those locker rooms, Morty? Have you?"
Rick Sanchez spent the remainder of the press conference drinking and performing freestyle rap. Questions regarding the emerging quarterback controversy remained unanswered.