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[–] Ionsurfer 0 points 16 points (+16|-0) ago 

I’m going to tear you a new one, oh wait hmm this is 😋

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[–] BAAC 1 points 7 points (+8|-1) ago 

Racoons (AKA garbage bears) go from zero to unhinged psychotic in a split second. It's crazy. Never corner one.

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[–] ChanceofRain 1 points 16 points (+17|-1) ago 

I used to live in an old logger's cabin at the edge of the forest. The doors were warped and wouldn't close all the way and we were raided by coons on a weekly basis. They were mean and organized. There was usually a lookout posted somewhere while the others tore through the kitchen.

While the other roommates tolerated the nocturnal invasions, I hatched a plan. There was a crab-apple tree I had spent sometime rescuing from neglect and it had begun to bear fruit. The apples weren't good for eating, but they were excellent for throwing. I filled a bucket with the small, hard fruits and left it near the kitchen door outside one night, and waited.

After several days, the moment arrived. Once the coons were face-deep in a box of cereal, I burst into the room, flushing them outside. I grabbed the bucket and started hurling crab-apples. I got the nearest two coons broadside and chased them into the yard. Cursing loudly, they scaled the fence and I spotted the ringleader posted on top, two glowing eyes staring right at me in defiance. I gave him an apple straight between the eyes with my best Sandy Koufax pitch and knocked him clear off the fence.

That was more or less the end of that. The raccoons still used an old tree stump in the backyard to stash food and shinys, but they dared not come inside anymore.

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[–] PrettyBigDouche 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

Awesome story. That arrogant ringleader bastard. Right between the eyes!

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[–] caged_raptor 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

Best story I've read on voat.

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[–] ChanceofRain 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago 

I love that bit in Guardians of the Galaxy 2 when Quill calls Rocket a raccoon during an argument, then takes it back agreeing it was too harsh a term for his friend. "I should have said trash panda"

Rocket: "Is that better or worse?"
Quill: "It worse, it's so much worse."

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[–] PigeonHerd 0 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago 

Rocket is a Glaswegian insult.

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[–] prairie 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago  (edited ago)

There was one in our house recently. At one point I was between it and the door. Then it started nibbling on my foot, then going harder. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCK" I slowly climbed on top of the table a few seconds later, carefully moving across the room away from it and the door.

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[–] SpecialtyPizza 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago 

You should get checked out if it drew blood. They are a vector species for rabies and all sorts of nasty brain parasites. Seriously go to the doc.

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[–] playitagainsam 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

Just want to second the other guy: see a doc. One of my broke ass friends literally got rabies. Find $200 so it's not thousands later.

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[–] unclejimbo 1 points 0 points (+1|-1) ago 

Sorta like regular coons. Huh.

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[–] FIADSH 1 points 2 points (+3|-1) ago 

When I was a little lad, my older sister (in her mid / late teems at the time) had gotten a permit from the
DNR (Department of Natural Resources) so she could have / raise wild racoons. What would happen is
that a racoon liter would be found who had been abandoned / mother killed, and the local DNR officer would
bring them over. We'd then raise them to a certain age / size, the DNR would pick them up, take them to a
center to re-introduce them into the wild, and then release them when they were ready.
I think we had two or three litters (3 or 4 each litter) that we did this with.
We got them shots, feed them with eye droppers in the beginning, played with them,
sometimes let them have the run of the living room / kitchen, and just generally have a
ball with them. But you could tell when it was time because they'd start getting a little
too "independent" and we'd give the DNR a call.
They liked ice cream, Cheetos, any kind of fruit, etc. I think we feed them cat food as their
regular food (sorry it's been a while).
But yeah, it's usually a good idea to give wild racoons a lot of space / distance.
I always sort of cringe when I see someone feeding a whole group of them on a pouch.
Really sort of asking for trouble.,

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[–] PigeonHerd 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago 

At least they didn't eat any of your toes.

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[–] Gravspeed 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

From ferocious to fuzzy in 3, 2, 1...

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[–] Voopin__Voopin 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

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[–] PigeonHerd 2 points 1 points (+3|-2) ago 

A cage with living rabies in it. Delightful.

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[–] playitagainsam 0 points 0 points (+0|-0) ago 

I'm trying this. Thanks.

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[–] RightEdge 1 points 0 points (+1|-1) ago 

vermin.