So earlier today I was at the rink practicing for my next test, when I stepped off into the hockey box to grab my water and chat with my friend for a moment when Fatty Kerrigan is skating by. Now, anyone who goes ice skating knows that rental skates are usually pretty crappy, and ours still look fairly new, but are clearly broken in. Fatty Kerrigan is easily 250 pounds, most likely a tumblrina, wearing way too tight jeans, a way too tight shirt, and a long flowy vest, and was probably around 5 feet tall, give or take a couple inches. She's on rental figure skates, and the right one is just bowing majorly at the ankle, to the point that regardless of weight, I have to say something to her (because no one wants to see someone break an ankle on the ice, and I just witnessed a woman hit her head so hard she left a pool of blood on the ice where she was laying last week so....). I look at her and said "Hey, you're going to want to get your skates switched out for a different pair, your right skate is bowing in at the ankle and it's not helping you stay up straight." And my friend chimes in "Yeah, no one would have strong enough ankles to keep themselves up in that boot, and right now yours could lead to a broken ankle."
Fatty Kerrigan then proceeds to fall to the ground (how, I don't know, she barely shuffled forward), and then says "I can't get up. It's cold" to her friend with her and crawl to the wall. She then exclaims "See! It's not me afterall! It's the skates!"
Fatty Kerrigan never went to switch out her skates, rather, she continued to wear the broken ones that could have lead to a broken ankle (I don't care, I did my part) because it was an excuse for the fact she could barely stand up.
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[–] Literallyretarded 0 points 11 points 11 points (+11|-0) ago (edited ago)
"Dear tubblr
I am a semi-pro ice skating mermaid. The other day I went to the local rink with my friend. As I was gliding gracefully on the ice some shitlord approached. Of course she was obviously jealous of my beautiful cuuuurves, not to mention her friend couldn't keep his eyes off of me. She had the nerve to tell me that my skates needed to be switched. I rolled my eyes at this amateur. Obviously she didn't know anything about skating. I continued to do a routine worthy of Olympic gold while she slid and fell over and over again. Her date kept ogling me. She kept complaining about being cold. Of course. She was an underweight twig who could only dream of having a mermaid body such as mine. After my vigorous workout (that I do 6 days a week) I glided up to her like an angel and said "Looks like my skates are fine, shitlord". Everyone cheered and high fived me. Her date handed me his number and said he was ready to get with a real woman and we could go out that weekend, he was going to dump her ass at an ED clinic to address her anorexia. Another win for the fat girl! "
[–] Mexican_jumping_bean 0 points 3 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago
I always enjoy these satirical tubblr posts
[–] iammeandyouareme [S] 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Me, too. This one probably nails it on the head, too.
To be fair, the rink was quite cold today. But I also have Raynaud's so my toes and hands get cold no matter how much I bundle up. But some rainy nights get the rink extra chilly in the morning.
[–] Svoodie 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
You forgot the part where everyone started applauding.