So earlier today I was at the rink practicing for my next test, when I stepped off into the hockey box to grab my water and chat with my friend for a moment when Fatty Kerrigan is skating by. Now, anyone who goes ice skating knows that rental skates are usually pretty crappy, and ours still look fairly new, but are clearly broken in. Fatty Kerrigan is easily 250 pounds, most likely a tumblrina, wearing way too tight jeans, a way too tight shirt, and a long flowy vest, and was probably around 5 feet tall, give or take a couple inches. She's on rental figure skates, and the right one is just bowing majorly at the ankle, to the point that regardless of weight, I have to say something to her (because no one wants to see someone break an ankle on the ice, and I just witnessed a woman hit her head so hard she left a pool of blood on the ice where she was laying last week so....). I look at her and said "Hey, you're going to want to get your skates switched out for a different pair, your right skate is bowing in at the ankle and it's not helping you stay up straight." And my friend chimes in "Yeah, no one would have strong enough ankles to keep themselves up in that boot, and right now yours could lead to a broken ankle."
Fatty Kerrigan then proceeds to fall to the ground (how, I don't know, she barely shuffled forward), and then says "I can't get up. It's cold" to her friend with her and crawl to the wall. She then exclaims "See! It's not me afterall! It's the skates!"
Fatty Kerrigan never went to switch out her skates, rather, she continued to wear the broken ones that could have lead to a broken ankle (I don't care, I did my part) because it was an excuse for the fact she could barely stand up.
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[–] Literallyretarded 0 points 11 points 11 points (+11|-0) ago (edited ago)
"Dear tubblr
I am a semi-pro ice skating mermaid. The other day I went to the local rink with my friend. As I was gliding gracefully on the ice some shitlord approached. Of course she was obviously jealous of my beautiful cuuuurves, not to mention her friend couldn't keep his eyes off of me. She had the nerve to tell me that my skates needed to be switched. I rolled my eyes at this amateur. Obviously she didn't know anything about skating. I continued to do a routine worthy of Olympic gold while she slid and fell over and over again. Her date kept ogling me. She kept complaining about being cold. Of course. She was an underweight twig who could only dream of having a mermaid body such as mine. After my vigorous workout (that I do 6 days a week) I glided up to her like an angel and said "Looks like my skates are fine, shitlord". Everyone cheered and high fived me. Her date handed me his number and said he was ready to get with a real woman and we could go out that weekend, he was going to dump her ass at an ED clinic to address her anorexia. Another win for the fat girl! "
[–] Mexican_jumping_bean 0 points 3 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago
I always enjoy these satirical tubblr posts
[–] iammeandyouareme [S] 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Me, too. This one probably nails it on the head, too.
To be fair, the rink was quite cold today. But I also have Raynaud's so my toes and hands get cold no matter how much I bundle up. But some rainy nights get the rink extra chilly in the morning.
[–] Svoodie 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
You forgot the part where everyone started applauding.
[–] WeedLord 0 points 4 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago
Oh boy, that's the mentality alright. Better to fail with excuses than try to succeed and work for it.
[–] iammeandyouareme [S] ago
It was fun explaining fat logic to my friend. She had looked at me and said "Why the hell would she not go switch out her skates? Why is she blaming the skates for her inability to stay upright?" and I said "Simple. Fat logic. Better to blame the equipment rather than take responsibility for the fact that her weight is causing her ankle to bend sideways in the skates. We did our part, she can go fail now."
The funny thing is there is a girl I know who is just like this, except she's skinny. But she blames her inability to skate well on everything but her lack of practice. She lives in such a state of delusion that she simply cannot be a bad skater. She can barely jump (she's been skating about as long as me, mind you), and cannot do crossovers because her skates aren't right (she barely can do a forward edge). It's almost comical to watch and listen to, but then it gets obnoxious because she asks everyone else if it's her skates. She's convinced I beat her in competition because I used "skating music" (a song from Ice Castles) for my program, not because I'm a better skater. On paper she and I are the same level. On ice is a completely different story.
[–] MahLardy 0 points 3 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago
Sported so hard
[–] iammeandyouareme [S] 0 points 2 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago
Guarantee you it went to Chik Fil A afterwards because it burned so many calories.
[–] ForgotMyName 0 points 2 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago
I'm not sure how many people are missing your kerrigan/harding reference with respect to broken legs, but I appreciated it.
[–] iammeandyouareme [S] 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Yaaasss! Thank you! :D
It was partially unintentional at first, I was just trying to come up with a skating related name that people would recognize and would sound right, and then it just so happened to work so nicely. Other options could have included Fatha Cowen, Tonya Larding, Moochelle Kwan....
[–] TVBBS 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Ideas in case you ever have more fatties on ice stories to share:
Piggy Fleming
Midori Cheeto
Fatarina Witt
Sarah Huge
Fupa Kim/Moona Kim
Greasy Gould
Butter Boitano/Beetus Boitano
Julia Lipidskaya
Cow Asada/Mayo Asada
Crisco Yamaguchi
[–] DEA_sockpuppet 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
The lesson of this story is never try to help them.
[–] iammeandyouareme [S] ago
In general it makes me cringe to see people wearing a skate that could lead to injury. I'm actually doing it for the sake of the ice rink rather than the actual person. Saving my friends that work there the possibility of having to help the fat off the ice in the case of a break and have to call an ambulance and such.
If fatty wants to continue skating on shit skates, that's their choice.
[–] Carsandsarcasm 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Typical fat doesn't understand the concept of consequences. Should it have broken an ankle, it would have complained, but it's unwilling to do anything to prevent a broken ankle because "it's not broken now" therefore it's not a problem.
[–] VegetarianZombie1 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Yeah, the OP was way nicer than I would've been. I'd be watching just hoping the fatty broke an ankle.
[–] nofatchix 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Beetus on ice
[–] ElectricPurple 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
I had a ham in my ice skating activity class skate fast and instead of breaking normally, fucking SLAMMED into the wall to stop herself. Scared the shit out of us every time.
[–] iammeandyouareme [S] ago
I HATE when people do that!!!! We learn to crawl before we walk, so why not skate slowly until you get the freaking hang of stopping??
[–] VegetarianZombie1 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Seriously, when I first started, I'd glide at a moderate speed to the wall to stop (never took actual lessons, unfortunately, but I did have a friend who taught me a few things).
Honestly, tricks aside, just skating isn't all that difficult. It's just balance and not going too fast before you're ready. As long as you're not fat, it shouldn't be that difficult.