Once upon a time (earlier this evening), in the land of the lards, (burger king), an evil Hog Goblin, whom I believe was the female of the species, tried to convince our hero that it and he were the same. (It decided to make small talk as we waited for our to-go orders.)
HG: Hey, we ordered the exact same thing. (Two sandwiches, large fries, large drink.) I tell my friends that I eat the same as skinny people. But my thin friends don't believe me.
Anoinc: No you don't. (Back to browsing on my phone.)
HG: But we ordered the same thing.
Anoinc: No we didn't.
HG: Yeah we did. I just heard your order.
Anoinc: Fine, I'll break it down. You added bacon and cheese to both of your sandwiches. That's easily an extra 500 calories. Also, I won't be drinking any of this sprite. My wife is under the weather and this is for her to drink on for the next few days to keep her stomach settled. So that 44 ounces of soda is an extra 600 calories. This is on top of a meal that's already 1200 calories. And here's the kicker. Half of the fries and the other sandwich are for my wife. And we won't even finish a lot of this meal. So no. You don't eat the same as a "skinny" person. Calorically, you'll be eating at least 4 times more than I will this evening, and slightly more than I will all day. There's a reason only your fat friends believe you.
Then our hero tried to go back to quietly mind his own business, like a decent person, as the evil hog goblin tried to stare a hole in the side of our hero's head. The merchant interrupted the silence by offering the hog goblin its meal. And upon realizing its defeat the hog goblin left our hero in peace but not before spouting.
HG: you didn't have to be an asshole about it.
Edit: Could someone spin this from fatty's perspective? Those interpretations always amuse me so.
Edit 2: Top of FPH and 2nd on my front page. Thank you, all you lovely people!
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[–] neveragainfatty ago (edited ago)
I love this. Was almost in a similar scenario but I just laughed at it when it tried to hit on me.
Except I was feeding myself, my wife, and my toddler. We just get 3 happy meals cause toys and it actually contains a reasonable caloric amount for an adult meal! They usually last my toddler 2 meals.
Now I feel like a bad parent after reading what I have written. Even though I was driving my family of four 3000 miles across country in a tiny car with no room for all the Ham and Cheese sandwiches my wife had prepped for us. However, giving those to Grandma Ham and having her talk about how enough sandwiches for 3 (Infant eats mom) people for 5 days of driving lasted her 2 days was quite funny. She wonders why I tell her that she is flabby and fat. So delusional. Also she overcooks and forces grandpa (Who literally can not make a decision for himself due to the syphilis) to eat as much, if not more, than her. Also who the heck eats cookies, cake, and candies for breakfast everyday?
If you are ever in this situation throw together some homemade trail mix. It keeps for quite a while. Can be stashed anywhere there is room and is a smash hit for toddlers. Probably saved us from stopping for beetusmeals at least once a day.
I fucking hate fat people. On the way here I stopped to see my mother. She must have put on 90lbs since the last time I saw her 4 years ago, because she is doing Keto and has 'lost' 40lbs but looks like she is up 50... My stepdad is also a lot bigger around the midsection and now has flabby man tits. It's saddening to watch people you are related to kill themselves and their brains with the typical American diet of eating out/cooking horribly excessive meals.