Once upon a time (earlier this evening), in the land of the lards, (burger king), an evil Hog Goblin, whom I believe was the female of the species, tried to convince our hero that it and he were the same. (It decided to make small talk as we waited for our to-go orders.)
HG: Hey, we ordered the exact same thing. (Two sandwiches, large fries, large drink.) I tell my friends that I eat the same as skinny people. But my thin friends don't believe me.
Anoinc: No you don't. (Back to browsing on my phone.)
HG: But we ordered the same thing.
Anoinc: No we didn't.
HG: Yeah we did. I just heard your order.
Anoinc: Fine, I'll break it down. You added bacon and cheese to both of your sandwiches. That's easily an extra 500 calories. Also, I won't be drinking any of this sprite. My wife is under the weather and this is for her to drink on for the next few days to keep her stomach settled. So that 44 ounces of soda is an extra 600 calories. This is on top of a meal that's already 1200 calories. And here's the kicker. Half of the fries and the other sandwich are for my wife. And we won't even finish a lot of this meal. So no. You don't eat the same as a "skinny" person. Calorically, you'll be eating at least 4 times more than I will this evening, and slightly more than I will all day. There's a reason only your fat friends believe you.
Then our hero tried to go back to quietly mind his own business, like a decent person, as the evil hog goblin tried to stare a hole in the side of our hero's head. The merchant interrupted the silence by offering the hog goblin its meal. And upon realizing its defeat the hog goblin left our hero in peace but not before spouting.
HG: you didn't have to be an asshole about it.
Edit: Could someone spin this from fatty's perspective? Those interpretations always amuse me so.
Edit 2: Top of FPH and 2nd on my front page. Thank you, all you lovely people!
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[–] Carsandsarcasm 0 points 62 points 62 points (+62|-0) ago
This is my first go at this. Be nice.
Dear Tumblr,
I went to Burger King today. I rarely go there because I normally eat so healthily. But I was having a good day; I just done a PR 10km in 15mins followed by a new PR of 350kg squat x 5. I was feeling pretty good about myself because I barely even broke a sweat while I watch all these skinny anorexics pound away on the treadmills looking like hell. There was probably a malnourishment thing going on there too. Some super ripped guy even gave me his number ... well, begged me to take it is probably more accurate. I tried to hold him back, but he was relentless in insisting I have it. He said "he couldn't bare not to get to know me" and that he "was hypnotised by my curves." Pretty standard stuff, right? But moving on.
So, I was at Burger King and there they were, the scum that would proceed to try to ruin my day. I was minding my own business taking in the strange scenery that is Burger King, because as I say, I almost never go there. Both of us happened to order at the same time and that's where it started. I got two sandwiches, large fries, and large drink, which might be a lot to some people, but I needed to replenish my sugars after my workout. I never eat this much, but it was a special occasion. As coincidence would have it, this skinny moron happened to order the exact same thing. I pointed this out to them because I've been saying for years that I don't eat any more than skinny people, I'm just bigger because that's the way some of us are built.
Then, out of nowhere, they unleash on me a barrage of typical fatphobic abuse for absolutely no reason. I was told that I must eat like this every meal, every day and that my food somehow was more than theirs even though we ordered EXACTLY the same thing. So much was their disdain at another human being that they barely even looked up from their phone. Rude much? I didn't push the issue because I'm the bigger person (tee hee). No doubt it was all just petty jealously, which I'm sure about because they went on to make up all this crap about how half of it wasn't even for them or some shit. I mean, how insecure about food and obsessed with weight must you be that you can't even own up to eating what someone bigger does? Total BS, obviously. Definitely eating disorder, like all of them.
However, the day wasn't over. I said I dropped the issue, and I did, but everyone overheard. The looks on their faces starring at this shitlord were of disgust, as I would expect. The whole place was silent and I saw the fear spread across their face as they realised they had shortsightedly backed themselves into a corner. Everyone started pointing out that they should apologise for being so unnecessarily rude for NO REASON. Needless to say, being the coward that they were, they ran out leaving their food behind they were so ashamed. This was followed by cheers from everyone in the restaurant at being rid of such dirt. When everyone calmed down, the manager took me aside and said my meal was free and that the shitlord was banned forever. They wanted to call the local representatives for my bravery to be acknowledged, but I declined. I mostly feel sorry for them and I don't need accolades.
Anyway, that's the story of how a would be bully got their just desserts. And I might have had a dessert too (tee hee).
[–] AnoInc [S] 0 points 18 points 18 points (+18|-0) ago
And that managers name? Albert Einstein. Very good prose.
[–] ShaddamCorrino 0 points 12 points 12 points (+12|-0) ago
This is great, but I don't think it'd fly. It's way too coherently written for a hambeast. I truly enjoyed it, while with typical tubblrina posts I have to force myself to read more than 4 sentences.
[–] AnoInc [S] 0 points 3 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago
I'm really hoping some one spins the yarn in the same epic-tale style I used.
[–] delusions 0 points 3 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago
Wow, this was fantastic! I was actually growing more angry as I read along lol, great job
[–] Mitchhhhhh 0 points 2 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago
The part where the entire restaurant started clapping was missing, besides that good attempt!