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[–] fupatronic 0 points 6 points (+6|-0) ago 

Here's what you do:

Go rent a track hoe immediately. Start digging around your house. Try to get as deep as you possibly can. You have a couple options:

  1. Build a moat with a suspension bridge over it that has a weight limit. If fatty sets foot on it, it snaps.
  2. Dig deep enough that you can construct a staircase to your front door. Minimum two flights (once in awhile a fatty can huff and puff up one, but never two).

You're just in the middle of some civil work on your property (new septic system or sewer or something). They just decided to come at a very inopportune time. And the fictional contractor who's doing the work is out of town until January. Don't do major home improvements via Groupon, amirite?

You can probably do this in three weeks.