My other two roommates (Slenderella and Norma as they’ve been called previously) are relatively quiet but very sweet girls who usually keep to themselves until we decide to have a roommate get-together about once a week. They come into the dorm pretty quietly, don’t disrupt anyone, and walk softly too (we live on the second floor and have hardwood, so footsteps can be loud if you aren’t careful).
Hammate however is the complete opposite. I know when she’s home because she’s the only one who slams doors, blasts her shitty music/Vine compilation videos without using any headphones, and STOMPS ALONG THE FLOOR LIKE A BLOATED ELEPHANT. We’ve had a couple of the girls from downstairs come up and complain about the noise. At first I used to tell them I was sorry and we’d try to be more careful, but now I’ve started telling them the truth; that there’s only one beast up here that stomps along the floor and that’s Hammate.
My room is right next to the front door. I leave my door open so my roommates always feel welcome to talk to me/hang out/whatever. As such, I’m the self-proclaimed “gate-keeper” for our dorm. Whenever someone knocks I’m the one who answers it. I also subconsciously keep track of when my roommates come and go so I know where they are in case of emergency. I don’t even have to look out of my room to know that Hammate’s the one coming or going. Not only does she open and slam the door as loudly and forcefully as possible and stomp her way to her room across mine, but the stairwell to our dorm shifts and bangs when she climbs it.
I repeat: The STEEL AND CONCRETE stairwell shifts, groans, bangs, and struggles against her enormous weight stampeding up and down its frame. One of these days that thing is going to come down and I can only hope that Hammate is the only casualty.
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[–] pizzajesus 0 points 36 points 36 points (+36|-0) ago
Sounds like you need to make a batch of ghost pepper, habenero chicken wings soon...
[–] Syphrosyne [S] 0 points 14 points 14 points (+14|-0) ago
I'm also thinking of trying laxatives.
[–] pH_ 0 points 11 points 11 points (+11|-0) ago
I basically have a spicy pepper fetish.
This is all you need. It's $20 for 2oz of Carolina Reaper Puree. The Carolina Reaper is the current hottest pepper in the world at a wonderful 1.5-2 million scoviles.
I can handle habaneros without breaking a sweat, but ghost pepper burns like a motherfucker and Carolina Reaper is just straight up scary.
For scale, police pepper spray ranges from 500,000-5 million Scoville. Carolina Reaper is essentially mid-strength pepper spray concentrate.
Near-guaranteed results if you spike food with this:
Screaming and crying. Not "owww hot hot hot" but literal screaming and crying.
Vomiting. Very high chance that someone who hasn't built up a tolerance for spicy things will barf it back up. This has the bonus of spreading capsaicin (the spicy burny part of hot peppers) into their nasal cavity and across their lips. It will burn, with no chance for relief, for 5-30 minutes.
Diarrhea. It is just as hot on the way out, so later that day they'll have a flaming asshole.
If they get any of it on their hands and touch any sensitive skin - genitals, face, eyes - it will be almost exactly like getting pepper sprayed.
All of these effects except vomiting I have personally experienced and I have witnessed the vomiting. It's the reaper for a reason, would recommend 10/10
[–] FatJavalina 0 points 9 points 9 points (+9|-0) ago
Unless you want to risk the thing trying to take you to court (because I don't give a shit about its health, just you), be careful about how many you use. Too much could very, very quickly land it in the hospital and cause it to come after you.
[–] Damndirtyape 0 points 2 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago
This could get you in trouble. Weed brownies might be funny, and you can't OD on those. Only get really fucking paranoid.
[–] Tozetre 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Make sure to clearly label them with "I put laxatives in these because I heard it helps with weight loss, DO NOT EAT these are MY special laxative chocolate cupcakes for MY weight loss."
The hammy will either ignore the note or think "tee hee! I can lose lots of weight if I eat all these cupcakes! tee hee!"
Vengeance and protection.
[–] turnonce 0 points 4 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago
This is an amazing idea. Wish I had done that to a previous roommate who had a nasty habit of eating my food.
[–] pH_ 0 points 3 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago
http://store.puckerbuttpeppercompany.com/collections/carolina-reaper-worlds-hottest-pepper/products/carolina-reaper-puree
Nuclear Option. Carolina Reaper is the hottest pepper in the world and makes ghost pepper look tolerable.