My other two roommates (Slenderella and Norma as they’ve been called previously) are relatively quiet but very sweet girls who usually keep to themselves until we decide to have a roommate get-together about once a week. They come into the dorm pretty quietly, don’t disrupt anyone, and walk softly too (we live on the second floor and have hardwood, so footsteps can be loud if you aren’t careful).
Hammate however is the complete opposite. I know when she’s home because she’s the only one who slams doors, blasts her shitty music/Vine compilation videos without using any headphones, and STOMPS ALONG THE FLOOR LIKE A BLOATED ELEPHANT. We’ve had a couple of the girls from downstairs come up and complain about the noise. At first I used to tell them I was sorry and we’d try to be more careful, but now I’ve started telling them the truth; that there’s only one beast up here that stomps along the floor and that’s Hammate.
My room is right next to the front door. I leave my door open so my roommates always feel welcome to talk to me/hang out/whatever. As such, I’m the self-proclaimed “gate-keeper” for our dorm. Whenever someone knocks I’m the one who answers it. I also subconsciously keep track of when my roommates come and go so I know where they are in case of emergency. I don’t even have to look out of my room to know that Hammate’s the one coming or going. Not only does she open and slam the door as loudly and forcefully as possible and stomp her way to her room across mine, but the stairwell to our dorm shifts and bangs when she climbs it.
I repeat: The STEEL AND CONCRETE stairwell shifts, groans, bangs, and struggles against her enormous weight stampeding up and down its frame. One of these days that thing is going to come down and I can only hope that Hammate is the only casualty.
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[–] friendguy13 0 points 26 points 26 points (+26|-0) ago
Jesus...
Also is she still stealing food?
[–] Syphrosyne [S] 0 points 20 points 20 points (+20|-0) ago
Yeah. Slenderella had some leftovers (almost an entire pizza that she hoped would last her a few days) go missing in one night, even though she wrote her name on it. My cupcakes that I made for my ceramics class also were short a couple of items after I left them in the fridge overnight.
[–] pizzajesus 0 points 36 points 36 points (+36|-0) ago
Sounds like you need to make a batch of ghost pepper, habenero chicken wings soon...
[–] HamathaMcBeetusButt 1 point 7 points 8 points (+8|-1) ago
Pro-tip store your cupcakes with me, I totes promise to guard them ;)
[–] trap_queen 0 points 4 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago
Fatties are always stealing food!! It's in their greedy nature!
[–] newguynewguynewguy 0 points 22 points 22 points (+22|-0) ago
EX-LAX COOKIES! EX-LAX COOKIES!
Trust me, they work.
[–] TruncalAdiposity 0 points 8 points 8 points (+8|-0) ago
The true meaning of a shitlord.
[–] smelly_farts 0 points 7 points 7 points (+7|-0) ago
Stairwell? She hasn't filed for disability to move to somewhere she doesn't have to go up stairs yet?
[–] alc0 0 points 7 points 7 points (+7|-0) ago
I have noticed that hams seem to have a problem with constantly slamming door. sup with that?
[–] burntfishnchips 0 points 4 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago
It's so true. They don't know how to hold the doorknob either to keep the lock from clicking shut loudly at 2am. I hate hammates.
[–] Angxrs 0 points 7 points 7 points (+7|-0) ago
I do love your Hammate stories! I guess it's nice to know that for every ham infiltrated house/dormroom/flat there are other shitlords and ladies suffering along side each other.
I've also gotten lots of great ideas for Hammate survival from the comments of your stories, pepper bombing food, locked cupboards, mini-fridge with locked door for my room etc for the next time I fly the nest.
If only I had known about FPH while living with ''K'' (A story I posted to ToFH, quite long).
[–] pH_ 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Keep this on hand.
[–] burntfishnchips 0 points 5 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago
I've noticed obese pigs tend to be louder than normal sized humans and don't understand. I used to have a hammate and he would slam doors, talk very loudly while playing xbox after midnight and just not know how his voice and size are louder than most people. Is there any way you can file a complain on your room mate?
I'm assuming you're in college since you said dorm. That really sucks. I hate people who listen to music without headphones. It's become an epidemic here where i can't ride the metro or bus without some fattie on their phone playing a mobile game or listening to music without headsets.
[–] Syphrosyne [S] ago
I can try to file a complaint but I doubt much will happen. She can't really be reprimanded for noise complaints, even if it's very late at night or very early in the morning.
[–] nonhaman 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
What about theft - get a little spy camera on your fridge! At the very least you could confront them and their lies.
[–] ajswdf 0 points 3 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago
From the pictures you posted before, a lot of people would say she isn't even that fat, or not fat at all! The lack of standards is really sad.
[–] heyfattybomsticks 0 points 2 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago
I believe that being fat leads to profound neurological changes. Fats aren't just gluttons, they're also typically lazy, self-absorbed, liars, selfish, jealous, bitter, aggressive and vindictive. Be interesting to see if there's any solid research into brain patterns and obesity.