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[–] ittybittybitchy [S] 0 points 10 points (+10|-0) ago  (edited ago)

It's actually really funny and touching to me that you mention this, because I'm (supposedly, mostly) recovered from multiple EDs myself. I've been there too. I don't think most cashiers notice, but as someone who's been in the same awful cycle, yeah, I can personally tell. Don't ever beat yourself over it, because anyone who can tell probably only recognizes because they've done it themselves. I've never bought food for a binge at a store I worked at; I've always gone to another one because I was scared my coworkers would see it, like I knew they were too dumb to get it but god, that paranoia and shame is strong.

The first few months of working were kind of hard because the amount of food was so overwhelming and the people so gross that I found myself wanting to restrict worse than I had in years; honestly, it's a miracle I only lost 10 pounds. I hate tossing around the word "trigger," but I would say that the environment triggered a lot of compulsions I thought I'd overcome. I could write a whole post on the way fat people make my ED worse, though; I won't get into it.

There's so much in attitude, too; fatties march in like they're owed the food in this store. It's kind of like food stamps: some ladies march in like the generational welfare queens they are, buying whatever the fuck they want regardless of health. Others are ashamed, worried they're being judged, and the thing is that type of EBT user I NEVER judge. We do notice people's attitudes, because we'd get bored as hell otherwise, and if you're not waltzing in like you're the fucking queen of the HoHo's and Dryers, I got no problem. I respect people who recognize and see their challenges; it's the entitled brats who think they're the shit that I've got no time for.

Stay beautiful and strong, loves. <3

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[–] FatJavalina 0 points 8 points (+8|-0) ago 

Thank you so much for writing all of that <3 that means a lot. And, yes, the paranoia and shame is terrible! I've always been terrified of someone knowing exactly what was up or, worse, commenting on it.

It makes sense people would only really know of they've experienced it personally...but man, I never stop worrying, haha.

I couldn't imagine working in a grocery store...I worked at an ice cream shop and holy shit. Employees got free ice cream, so after every shift, I just fell apart. I was so extremely all or nothing then. Working at a grocer...you've got to be really strong! I'm thrilled you didn't lose more than 10 lbs (healthy is one thing, but with symptoms, as you know, it's a whole other animal). I know what you mean by trigger, I was taught to call it that, too :) you're using it in a different context and not treating it like a vet's PTSD.
I'm sure I and a few others could co-write that post with you! Haha it's terrible, really. Fucking fats.

But you, too, chica. Stay strong, stay beautiful <3 thank you.

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[–] ittybittybitchy [S] 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

Oh gosh, I get what you mean with the ice cream shop. I was solidly in recovery, and then I started working in a bakery. I had to quit after three months because I'd completely spiraled into literally the worst binge/purge cycle I've ever been in (which then lasted for another nine months) and it was only about a year after I'd quit that I was back to where I'd been BEFORE I started at the bakery. Oh fuck, it was awful. I'm so glad you're out of that kind of place, I'd never wish that on anyone with ED tendencies.

Now I actually want to lay out all my feelings about fat people and the way they've affected and reacted to my EDs. They're a special kind of awful about it sometimes.

<3 You're a babe.