0
108

[–] Sire 0 points 108 points (+108|-0) ago 

  1. Leave FPH open on your computer at all times
  2. Hide your food and dishes in your room
  3. Set very clear (weight-) limits on shared food/furniture/money, and how it's to be evenly distributed among all of you
  4. Place hidden webcams, link the stream to us
  5. Manage an online reality tv-show, with laughing tracks to everything the ham does stupidly
  6. Get rich and leave the fucking house

0
30

[–] Syphrosyne [S] 0 points 30 points (+30|-0) ago 

Flawless plan! This would be so funny, I wish I could actually do it XD

0
45

[–] Sire 0 points 45 points (+45|-0) ago 

Bonus points if you lay out a path with M&M's and she follows it through the 5th story window

0
7

[–] totse 0 points 7 points (+7|-0) ago 

If you have a webcam this can easily be done.

0
4

[–] TheThinSister 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago 

If you have access to a goodwill or other donation based store with electronics, you can bet a couple cheap webcams and hook them up to a computer (like raspberry Pi), then you have an at home personal security.

[–] [deleted] 0 points 14 points (+14|-0) ago  (edited ago)

[Deleted]

0
8

[–] garlicdeath 0 points 8 points (+8|-0) ago 

I remember how fucking ashamed I was when I had to start buying paper plates and disposable cups because all of ours were rotting in the kitchen sink because out fatass housemate couldn't be bothered to clean up after himself.

0
1

[–] KikiCat 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

and they won't eat as much, lol

0
7

[–] prisonersandpriests 0 points 7 points (+7|-0) ago 

Some of these would make things hilarious for us. Some of these are a necessity for living with a fatty. Minifridge with a lock in your room is a definite must have. Make sure that everyone signs a contract about what is getting paid by whom (there was a story recently about someone who roomed with a fatty that wanted cable and tried to make everyone pay for it). It doesn't have a whole lot of legal backing, but it can show that you acted in good faith while fatty did not.

Get a kit for your hygiene products (toothbrush, hairbrush, deodorant, etc.) and take it to the bathroom with you. Take it back to your room when you're done.

Get a cheap wifi security camera. Tell no one. Leave it in your room and take a few minutes to fast forward through it a couple of times per week to make sure fatty doesn't invade your space. Make sure you let everyone know that your room is off limits for anyone. The camera is critical because the first time things happen they will deny that they went and stole your things and/or tried to steal your things and threw a rage fit.

Add an addendum to the contract I mentioned earlier about keeping the place clean. No food wrappers left outside of the garbage, no dishes left overnight in the bedrooms or common area, and no "funny smells" emanating from the bedrooms. Anyone with a funky smelling room that can be smelled from the common area will be reported to whoever owns the property so that they can go in and inspect it if the problem isn't resolved by the next day after bringing it up.

0
36

[–] TimTamSlam 0 points 36 points (+36|-0) ago 

You can probably trigger it out of the house.

0
1

[–] cynoclast 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

You'd get fucked with by the uni for 'harassment'.

0
30

[–] babbass 0 points 30 points (+30|-0) ago 

Lock up all your food, and your room, at all times. Or move to another house if you can.

But most of all, don't forget to update us.

0
16

[–] Syphrosyne [S] 0 points 16 points (+16|-0) ago 

I don't know if I'll have to worry about my food. I only keep healthy stuff in the house and I have a feeling this planet won't touch it if it has any nutritional value in it.

0
13

[–] babbass 0 points 13 points (+13|-0) ago 

I'd go with 'better safe than sorry' but it could yield some interesting stories.

0
11

[–] Jessee 0 points 11 points (+11|-0) ago 

Desperate times call for desperate measures when it's going in starvation mode

0
5

[–] Corn_Syrup_Whaler 0 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago 

You're underestimating the appetite of an obeastus. Any food it has access to will be consumed. Ranch dressing will make any healthy dish palatable to the hungry hippo. Precooked meals are viewed as leftovers and considered fair game by fatties. Never forget that they have no consideration for anyone who is not them.

0
4

[–] RedditRunaway 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago 

Don't underestimate the abilities of anyone to turn healthy into unhealthy. When I want to, I'll char edamame and make a slightly reduced sauce of shoyu, ponzu, ginger, garlic, hot chili oil, sesame oil, and sesame seeds. It's like sodium induced bloated hell (hence making it occasionally only) but it's so damn good you forget the edamame used to be a semi-healthy bit of the dish.

0
18

[–] Circumlocutious 0 points 18 points (+18|-0) ago 

Please keep track of all calories (publicly) consumed by the ham!

0
6

[–] tableflipper 0 points 6 points (+6|-0) ago 

Yes! I'd love to see another whale food log series here.

0
7

[–] Blindeye 0 points 7 points (+7|-0) ago 

I miss baddream's coworker MFP logs. I want an update :( Anybody remember her exact username? We should ping her for more!

0
2

[–] The_White_Baron 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

Make it a weekly fph series. I'd love to see that. You can even leave bonus rage stories it'll have once it noticed you logged its calories on fph

0
12

[–] FatisABadChoice 0 points 12 points (+12|-0) ago 

Look at the bright side, you're going to get a lot of imaginary internet points for all the material you're sure to be posting here! Good luck!

1
1

[–] markrod420 1 points 1 points (+2|-1) ago  (edited ago)

the only points that matter in life!!

0
11

[–] Shitelord772 0 points 11 points (+11|-0) ago 

Keep a good list of mental notes to counter the bullshit which I guarantee you'll hear. In the meantime, keep quiet so it comes completely unexpected.

When she begins about how she doesn't eat all that much, let it out. In front of others, ideally. Pull out MFP and tally the calories while she tries to change the subject or wail buttertears while you shitlord onward like a boss.

"I hardly ever eat fast food..."

"Oh? Is that why there are Wendy's, Taco Bell, and McDonald's wrappers strewn around your room?"

This works even better than hounding someone to clean their shit up. Embarrass her in front of someone at an inopportune time, and she's more likely to pick up and throw away her mess.

0
7

[–] rshackleford252525 0 points 7 points (+7|-0) ago 

in front of the swole guy the thinks she's entitled to

0
9

[–] Skinny_McJiggles 0 points 9 points (+9|-0) ago 

Saw the pic. Just keep muttering "Thunderthighs!" as though it's your favorite cuss word. (e.g. Aww, Thunderthighs! I forgot to get milk while I was at the grocery.)

With the sequoia-ish logs on that one, I'm pretty sure she'll get triggered in no time at all.

0
7

[–] Amalek11 0 points 7 points (+7|-0) ago 

Roomham.

0
11

[–] putdownthedonut 0 points 11 points (+11|-0) ago 

Hammate?

0
15

[–] Sire 0 points 15 points (+15|-0) ago 

Please, no mating with hams

0
3

[–] honeybadgerman 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

Roommunster

0
0

[–] Bangy_Hunger 0 points 0 points (+0|-0) ago 

NOOOOO!!! ROOMHAMMMMMM!!!!

load more comments ▼ (26 remaining)