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[–] shigeo [S] 0 points 1 point (+1|-0) ago 

I actually tend to view others in a way that's different to me, other people are happy at a bmi of 22-23 and I'm super happy for them and they look pretty good to me, but like I then see myself and I see thinspo and think "I need a bmi of at least 17 to even look acceptable" I want to keep my good habits from this disorder and I hope I will..as awful as that is to say I do wish I didn't see food as a set of numbers anymore. I hope to never be fat, never again at least...I don't even know if I ever was fat? I don't know what I look like, I haven't for a long time. Eventually I hope to recover, but I can't get out of this hole, I can't even get to the first step. Seeing fats claim to have anorexia, or atypical anorexia (which is what I have because my BMI is at ...? 20-21? ish I don't know haven't weighed myself out of pure fear) makes me never want to recover. I'll PM you if I ever need it thank you so much for writing this for me, this helps so much.

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[–] Carsandsarcasm 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

Weight gain is weird. There was a time when my current weight seemed impossible. Then one day I looked like this and I felt fine. I don't think I'm fat even though I can pinch the same pieces of fat that used to drive me insane. That was what was so strange. There was no obvious moment when it happened, I just sort of realised that I had recovered. Without really clearly defined markers like you get with other goals, it's easy to get discouraged and feel like you aren't making progress. You have to want to recover, like really want it, more than you want to be sick and you will be driven that way. I think the biggest challenge is really deciding you don't want to be sick. It's easy to say you hate it and that you wish you didn't have an ED, but we both know that's often a lie. It's comforting and familiar and it makes you feel like you have answers or protection, and most importantly, control. You have to be brave and choose the unknown, the unpredictable, and the uncontrollable. Recovery is about giving-up that grip on what is a false feeling of control.

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[–] shigeo [S] 0 points 1 point (+1|-0) ago 

wow you're really putting it into words, it truly is comforting to have an eating disorder