[–] Carsandsarcasm [S] 0 points 17 points (+17|-0) ago 

I would like to report a small win. I work with a disgusting morbidly obese, old fat who eats 3-4 apples every day and makes the most disgusting sounds I have ever heard doing it. If you tried to make as much noise as possible while eating by smacking your lips, drooling, open mouth chewing, grunting, and heavily breathing, you still wouldn't be this loud. But it's not just the volume, it's the sound. It makes my skin crawl and produces this rage I can't explain. Anyway, previously my solution has been to go pee or refill my water bottle when he eats, but getting my timing right proved difficult. I seem to have found a solution, however. I went to the supplies and grabbed a pair of earmuffs. They are bright orange, and every time he eats, I put them on. It's not subtle. Funny thing, though ... all of a sudden he doesn't seem to feel the need to eat apples all day. I never have to wear them because it would appear the hint has been taken.

Shame works!

[–] Disdain 0 points 7 points (+7|-0) ago 

I want to see a pic of these earmuffs, and to have it explained why you even have them in your supplies at work.

Also fuck loud eaters, fat or otherwise, it is a basic human skill to eat without making a load of noise and no one should be allowed a pass on it.

[–] Carsandsarcasm [S] 0 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago 

He sits behind me so his view is something like this. Like I said, it's not subtle and they come on and off when he starts and stops eating. It was either this or I was going to scream at him and potentially lose my job. I came this close. I can't explain how much it bothered me. It took this long because it's fucking weird to wear full-on earmuffs in an office. But the fat brings out the best in all of us.

We have earmuffs because this is a construction company so all sorts of PPE are provided. It's also a basic human skill to eat in the damn kitchen and not at your desk.

[–] Skinny_Barbie 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

You want to see the earmuffs. I want to see the ham.

We need pics!

[–] DorothyMantooth 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago  (edited ago)

I used to work with a smallfat--well, he skirted the line between smallfat and fat; he was mushy--who used to sometimes insist on coming to sit with me at lunch. He was the grossest eater I have ever seen. I literally could not look at him as he ate.

First he would take slices of roast beef, squeeze a line of mayonnaise from a packet down the center of each slice (one full packet per slice), roll them up, and stuff them in his mouth. Then he would eat his little baggie of chips, which were always just crumbs for some inexplicable reason; he would stick his hand in the bag and come up with a wad of chip crumbs between his fingers, open his mouth wide, and shove both crumbs and fingers as far into the back of his wide-open mouth as he could, all the way back on his tongue, which would be at least partway stuck out for the purposes of this operation. Sometimes before the chips he would squeeze more mayo onto his tongue. (The fingers went all the way in the mouth with the roast beef, too, and his lips would close over them. Like he was sucking his fingers with every bite; like he was incapable of eating with his hands in a way that didn't involve his mouth engulfing half his hand.)

I cannot even express how disgusting this process was. I don't even know why it was so repulsive, I mean, describing it it just seems unpleasant, not revolting. But I would literally gag if I watched it; it happened more than once. He would start talking, usually about his cow wife or maybe about how radio broadcasters are biased against guys with talent like him. I would be sitting there nodding and smiling faintly as I wished he would just go away so I could read my book. Then he'd pull out that lunchbox, and I'd start staring at the table, the ground, anything but his face because I just couldn't stand to see him eating.

Luckily he wasn't an especially noisy eater. It wasn't audibly disgusting, just visually.

shudder

[–] Carsandsarcasm [S] 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

I think I may have some kind of sensitivity to the sounds of eating or something. Your description gave me the shivers and there are other coworkers who eat at their desks that I also hate. It's just this guy in particular who is on another decibel level.

[–] EffYourDuckAss 0 points 7 points (+7|-0) ago 

My wife had a pre-surgery consultation, and the surgeon complimented her on her healthy weight and appearance. I'm sure she makes a nice change from all the hogs they must see. (She's having dental surgery, no life-or-death stuff.)

[–] Skinny_Barbie 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

That's both wonderful and terrible.

Wonderful that your wife has maintained a healthy weight. And terrible that it's so uncommon as to warrant comment.

[–] EffYourDuckAss 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

It really is a sign of the times. She said the surgeon is South African and she kept imagining him going Dr Rudi on fat patients: https://youtu.be/h-jy3OtZAss

(Dr Rudi is from a satirical lifestyle show called Life Support. I was an avid fan and miss it. You wouldn't be able to make that show these days.)

[–] DorothyMantooth 0 points 0 points (+0|-0) ago 

Best wishes for her successful surgery and quick recovery!

[–] EffYourDuckAss 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

Thank you! She will be fine.

[–] theepilepticferret 0 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago 

My mom and sister came to visit and we took Junior Ferret swimming at the public pool. The pool is attached to a high school, so there was a large group of teenagers there. I couldn't believe how fucking huge all the teenage girls at the pool were. Most of them looked like they outweighed me by at least 50 pounds. And they were young, too - probably 13 or 14 if I had to guess. It blows my fucking mind... during your teenage years you're supposed to be in peak physical condition, but most of these girls looked like a wet sack of mouldy potatoes. How the fuck can anyone just give up on their physical appearance so early?

[–] Carsandsarcasm [S] 0 points 7 points (+7|-0) ago 

Remember when being just a little bit chubby used to ruin your high school appearance? What do bullies use when they are even fatter than you? What, do they purity spiral over who has the most double chins? If you weren't peer pressured into skipping a few meals though high school you didn't get the authentic experience.

[–] Skinny_Barbie 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

Outweighed you by at least fifty pounds? As young teens? That's tragic and should be criminal.

With the invasion of hams, public pools are visually unsafe.

And physically dangerous.

[–] DorothyMantooth 0 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago 

I want to explain and get into that whole discussion, but right now I am too ENRAGED BY THE FUCKING GARBAGE I JUST WATCHED.

That was the WORST TV ending I have ever seen.

Fuck you, GoT showrunners. Fuck you and fuck that utter bullshit.

[–] theepilepticferret 0 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago 

I was very disappointed by the writing this season. Everything felt really rushed, character arcs were completely thrown out the window, there were gaping plot holes, and it felt like they were killing the characters just to kill them, not to add anything to the story. I'm disappointed with certain aspects of how it ended (and how things got to that point) but I'm OK with others. Overall I'd say this season wasn't great, but it wasn't atrocious. It definitely wasn't the same caliber as previous seasons.

[–] OhTheHamanatee 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

I felt a bit that it was going downhill while watching season 5 years ago. Now I am completely positive it started going downhill since then. What a shame. It stopped being good when season 4 ended.

[–] Disdain 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

I'm watching the final episode tonight and I know I will rage and hate it. So expect me to come back with a nice strong 'what the dicks' post bitching about how useless everyone was

[–] TheCookieMonsterQ 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

They use fade to black to indicate some time has passed. I want to congratulate the actors for doing well with such shit material.

[–] omwtohuman 1 points 5 points (+6|-1) ago 

custom flair could be awarded with evidence of something somebody does to humiliate a fat in public? that could be fun.

[–] DorothyMantooth 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

I was thinking of something along those lines, too. The problem is that we don't want people making shit up in order to win--I like to think members here are generally better than that, but what happens as our membership grows, you know?

[–] omwtohuman 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

that’s why they’d need evidence of it, probably in picture or video form.

[–] Skinny_Barbie 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago 

I like Dorothy's idea for a Pig of the Month type award.

It will be tough to narrow it down...

[–] Bigtop 0 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago 

I was thinking about asking how to do a poll: which is more insufferable Comfy or Flow. I’m leaning Comfy but I’d love to get the general feeling of FPH.

[–] Somnivangelist 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

I hate Flow because of that stupid pose she always does.

[–] DorothyMantooth 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Just an FYI, guys:

Because so many here are forced to work with fats, and because I'm sure so many of those fats are typical fat food-thieves...

I'm sure not everyone saw my comment about how putting laxatives in a cupcake or brownies or other foodstuff, to lure a food-stealing office fat to eat it, is actually a crime for which people have lost their jobs and been prosecuted for Assault. And even if you're not prosecuted--which you will be--you will definitely be fired. It's happened to people. It's a big deal.

It seems like a funny trick to play on some scumbucket thieving lardbucket--and it is--but no fat is worth that kind of trouble. No laxatives in foodstuffs, okay?

And if someone is thinking that eyedrops are a good/better idea, less traceable and obvious, please don't. Laxatives could send someone to the hospital, but they are unlikely to kill someone. Not so with eyedrops. Eyedrops can actually kill the consumer of the laced goods. We can argue that they deserve it, but whether they deserve it or not, the authorities still consider it First-Degree Murder (premeditation) or at least Manslaughter. It's a big deal.

I don't think we have any crazy people here who would do such a thing, but still. I don't want to see any of my fellow FPHers spending seven to ten inside because they didn't realize how serious such a thing can be, and how seriously the authorities take it.

I apologize if you all already knew this, and don't mean to be patronizing or seem like I think you're all too dumb to know this; I didn't know it myself until a year or two ago when I saw a news story about it. And like I said, I don't think any of you all are the kind of people who would actually do it to begin with (tempting as it is). But I wanted to mention it anyway. Please don't spike "bait food" for fat office food thieves with laxatives or eyedrops or any other substances. It can get you in serious trouble, and fats are not worth it.

That is all.

[–] Cryingintomywine 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

Just bring a donut box full of veggie sticks for kicks instead.

[–] Carsandsarcasm [S] 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

A compromise would be something like spinach. You can make spinach/kale cupcakes and apparently people like them, though I don't. Hide all the green inside and then watch their faces when they take their first ever bite of vegetables. Or do what I did once as a kid and take advice that you can replace bicarb soda with baking soda, add a huge amount of baking soda, and produce the worst tasting biscuits you have ever had. If you keep bringing disgusting "sweets" to work often enough, eventually you will train the fat to say no to food.

[–] Skinny_Barbie 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

Your hopelessly naive if you imagine you can train a fat to say no to food.

But you've got a brilliant idea with what to bring into the office. Dog food cupcakes. Cat food cake. The possibilities are endless. Just drizzle the top with a sugary glaze and you're good to go.

For added fun, place them in the food safe and forget to lock it.

[–] Skinny_Barbie 0 points 0 points (+0|-0) ago 

Oh, Dot. Must you take the fun out of everything? sigh

We need to start a fund to assist in legal fees for those maliciously prosecuted. I imagine the defense showing a picture of the cake box which is covered with messages stating that it is not to be eaten. Even the skull and crossbones and "POISON" in caps. Defence says, "Only an idiot would eat that. An imbecile with a low iq and no social graces.". Prosecuting attorney smiles and says, " we rest our case. "

[–] DorothyMantooth 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

cackles Ruining fun is my mission in life! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

I think we should start a fundraiser to buy billboards all across the country that say, "FAT IS UGLY. FAT IS UNHEALTHY. THAT IS TRUE EVEN IF YOU REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT," or maybe a combination of several slogans we could come up with. It'd be fun, wouldn't it?

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