Orchestra Fat adventure this week:
During the show yesterday I kept hearing a weird sound in the orchestra pit. I've been in this theater before and I know the acoustics are pretty strange here, a little "hollow", and sounds bounce around oddly in the pit. But I just couldn't put my finger on what this was--sort of a wet and raspy dragging sound. We had a matinee and then at the intermission of last night's show two of the stage performers approached me in the Green Room and asked if I can hear the weird sound they're hearing on stage. Apparently they can hear it between songs pretty loudly while I'm mostly hearing it DURING the music, so I'm thinking WTF? Is someone in the audience making an unusually weird snoring sound?
During the second act I finally figure out it's the (VERY FAT) second violinist breathing. BREATHING. "Wet and raspy dragging sound". I talk to the first violinist after the show and she said, "Yeah, I wondered if you could hear her." I said, "Are you kidding? They can hear her on stage!"
Took me about 3 hours to fall asleep last night because I can't figure out if I should call the local contractor and ask him to replace her, meaning someone new would have to basically sight-read the show (not a good scenario), or talk to her about breathing more quietly, or what. And would her disgustingly loud breathing be considered a (protected) disability? Asthma? COPD? I dread going in tonight. Fuck! So much hate.
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[–] Carsandsarcasm 0 points 11 points 11 points (+11|-0) ago
How do sausage fingers even play the violin?
A way to phrase this for the benefit of appearances would be to ask if they have a problem with their inhaler. You would assume they have asthma and that's why their breathing is loud. Use that as a way to make the point nicely that their breathing is quite audible and make some concern trolling suggestions along the lines of contacting their doctor. They probably don't have asthma, but with any luck, they will take the hint. I would do this in front of some people to make sure several people are now aware of the issue and listening for the sound. You are the good guy in this scenario and that will increase peer pressure for fatty to be self conscious about it.
[–] polebunny 0 points 5 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago
pretty bold of you to assume fat people will take hints