Orchestra Fat adventure this week:
During the show yesterday I kept hearing a weird sound in the orchestra pit. I've been in this theater before and I know the acoustics are pretty strange here, a little "hollow", and sounds bounce around oddly in the pit. But I just couldn't put my finger on what this was--sort of a wet and raspy dragging sound. We had a matinee and then at the intermission of last night's show two of the stage performers approached me in the Green Room and asked if I can hear the weird sound they're hearing on stage. Apparently they can hear it between songs pretty loudly while I'm mostly hearing it DURING the music, so I'm thinking WTF? Is someone in the audience making an unusually weird snoring sound?
During the second act I finally figure out it's the (VERY FAT) second violinist breathing. BREATHING. "Wet and raspy dragging sound". I talk to the first violinist after the show and she said, "Yeah, I wondered if you could hear her." I said, "Are you kidding? They can hear her on stage!"
Took me about 3 hours to fall asleep last night because I can't figure out if I should call the local contractor and ask him to replace her, meaning someone new would have to basically sight-read the show (not a good scenario), or talk to her about breathing more quietly, or what. And would her disgustingly loud breathing be considered a (protected) disability? Asthma? COPD? I dread going in tonight. Fuck! So much hate.
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[–] Carsandsarcasm 0 points 11 points 11 points (+11|-0) ago
How do sausage fingers even play the violin?
A way to phrase this for the benefit of appearances would be to ask if they have a problem with their inhaler. You would assume they have asthma and that's why their breathing is loud. Use that as a way to make the point nicely that their breathing is quite audible and make some concern trolling suggestions along the lines of contacting their doctor. They probably don't have asthma, but with any luck, they will take the hint. I would do this in front of some people to make sure several people are now aware of the issue and listening for the sound. You are the good guy in this scenario and that will increase peer pressure for fatty to be self conscious about it.
[–] polebunny 0 points 5 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago
pretty bold of you to assume fat people will take hints
[–] CognitiveDissident5 0 points 11 points 11 points (+11|-0) ago
Hmm, quite a conundrum. Let us know how this pans out. Could you ask it not to breathe?
[–] slendermiddleage [S] 0 points 6 points 6 points (+6|-0) ago
"ask it not to breathe" is very tempting, but then I still have to get another violinist, dang it.
[–] jeffjeff 0 points 4 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago
You need to do whatever you can to get the disgusting eatbeast out of your orchestra. I would be well pissed off if I spent good money to listen to music and some fat cunt ruined it with their wheezing. I appreciate that playing a violin is probably the most strenuous thing it ever does but FFS think of the audience.
[–] J_Darnley 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Let it expire from the effort of playing the violin then you can still have the problems of replacing it without being the bad guy. Although /u/carsandsarcasm has an interesting idea.
[–] i_scream_trucks 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago (edited ago)
How the fuck donyou not fire a musician thats that fat it compromises orchestral music with its goddamn breathing.
Other than maybe writing a concerto based around the breathing
"Shitlords Death Fat Suite No. 1"
Think something along the lines of the video for 'Keine Lust'
[–] slendermiddleage [S] ago
You made me giggle. Thanks. I needed that.
[–] ashion101 ago
How the fuck would the fat hog's sausage fingers even be able to properly hold the right strings without mashing multiple together at a time... let alone have the hand/finger strength to hold the strings at the right pressure.
Bet is wet wheezing is hiding the horrid screeching its likely making of what should be beautiful music
[–] FeelinDucky ago
The hell does it need so much oxygen for while sitting on its ass playing violin?