Apologies, I ramble a little bit in this post but I am FURIOUS.
I am generally against the Fourth of July. In my experience, it's a time where people shove their faces full of mayonnaise based "salads" then pig out on a whole variety of sugary trash. Each year on the fourth, my entire extended family gets together at my great aunt's house. We all bring a dish or two to share and then we catch up while all the kids in the family chase each other around the yard and have fun. Generally, the food is pretty good and healthy although there are a few hams (ugh) in the family who bring shitty mayo concoctions. (Unfortunately, in the Midwest it is a statistical certainty that any gathering with over 20 people has at least one lard.)
This year is a good year. It's nice and laid back, not too hot, not too humid. Everyone is having a good time. After dinner, my grandma brings out the pies she's made. These are a yearly tradition and everyone looks forward to getting their slice of home baked goodness.
Then we see a strange vehicle drive up.
Fuck, not again. We were so sure that this was going to be the year. Guess not. Every year some distantly related white trash obeasts come and crash our gathering. We think they are very distant cousins? No one knows. They never bring anything. They never talk to any of us. They come, they set up their lawn chairs in a corner of the yard, and they eat all the things we brought to share with each other. Several years ago, we found that shortly after they showed up, the cash from everyone's wallets was gone.
The truck parks and out plops three hams and their ham dad. The two oldest fucking lard balloons head straight for the table and get themselves food. They load their plates with cake, with mayonnaise shit, and, regrettably, with the decent human food. The middle lardlet takes multiple slices of pie. You can see my grandma looking on in pain as this obese stain of a nine year old shovels another slice of pie onto his plate. Predictably, dad lard is encouraging this behavior.
(Quick context: This is the Midwest, everything is dealt with through passive aggression. No one is going to call out this troupe of fatties directly. Although my great uncle did get in a pretty good dig when he saw middlefat getting another slice of cake: "Hm, that's a pretty big piece. But then again you are a pretty big kid.")
I snapped a pic of the oldest one when he was on his sixth helping, although it does not do his fatness justice. https://sli.mg/47BxF1
The middle lard looks the same except shorter, fatter, and wearing basketball shorts, a shitty red Tapout shirt, and a bright red Kool-Aid stained mouth to match.
Fuck these subhuman trash cans. They are greedy, mooching thieves. They are not welcome at our family gatherings but invite themselves year after year. Thankfully only one carload of them came this year.
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[–] unikko [S] 0 points 4 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago
You hit it on the head there. I'd be appalled but this behavior is what I expect from a fat. Greedy, rude, and disgusting. I was so proud when my great uncle let out his inner shitlord. Truly an American Hero :')