Apologies, I ramble a little bit in this post but I am FURIOUS.
I am generally against the Fourth of July. In my experience, it's a time where people shove their faces full of mayonnaise based "salads" then pig out on a whole variety of sugary trash. Each year on the fourth, my entire extended family gets together at my great aunt's house. We all bring a dish or two to share and then we catch up while all the kids in the family chase each other around the yard and have fun. Generally, the food is pretty good and healthy although there are a few hams (ugh) in the family who bring shitty mayo concoctions. (Unfortunately, in the Midwest it is a statistical certainty that any gathering with over 20 people has at least one lard.)
This year is a good year. It's nice and laid back, not too hot, not too humid. Everyone is having a good time. After dinner, my grandma brings out the pies she's made. These are a yearly tradition and everyone looks forward to getting their slice of home baked goodness.
Then we see a strange vehicle drive up.
Fuck, not again. We were so sure that this was going to be the year. Guess not. Every year some distantly related white trash obeasts come and crash our gathering. We think they are very distant cousins? No one knows. They never bring anything. They never talk to any of us. They come, they set up their lawn chairs in a corner of the yard, and they eat all the things we brought to share with each other. Several years ago, we found that shortly after they showed up, the cash from everyone's wallets was gone.
The truck parks and out plops three hams and their ham dad. The two oldest fucking lard balloons head straight for the table and get themselves food. They load their plates with cake, with mayonnaise shit, and, regrettably, with the decent human food. The middle lardlet takes multiple slices of pie. You can see my grandma looking on in pain as this obese stain of a nine year old shovels another slice of pie onto his plate. Predictably, dad lard is encouraging this behavior.
(Quick context: This is the Midwest, everything is dealt with through passive aggression. No one is going to call out this troupe of fatties directly. Although my great uncle did get in a pretty good dig when he saw middlefat getting another slice of cake: "Hm, that's a pretty big piece. But then again you are a pretty big kid.")
I snapped a pic of the oldest one when he was on his sixth helping, although it does not do his fatness justice. https://sli.mg/47BxF1
The middle lard looks the same except shorter, fatter, and wearing basketball shorts, a shitty red Tapout shirt, and a bright red Kool-Aid stained mouth to match.
Fuck these subhuman trash cans. They are greedy, mooching thieves. They are not welcome at our family gatherings but invite themselves year after year. Thankfully only one carload of them came this year.
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[–] Quiggleton 0 points 8 points 8 points (+8|-0) ago
This is incredibly bizarre, people just showing up and taking food? No pleasantries or catching up with "family"? Coming from an Aussie who has been to many, many bogan Australia days, this is still absurd.
[–] ShitArchon 0 points 2 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago
Twenty dollars says the perpetrators are massive, massive deathfats. That's whom you get the least human behavior from. For them, it's just free food to scarf and keep up their shugers. The existence or nonexistence of familial relationships is immaterial.
[–] hulkingmanbeast 0 points 4 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago
This is crazy. How do they even find out where to go?
[–] unikko [S] 0 points 3 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago
CHRIST ON A BIKE I WISH I KNEW. Someone must have invited them once like 20 years ago thinking they wouldn't show up and they took it as a standing invitation. :/
[–] PutDownTheDamnFork ago
Is it the same group every year? Are you sure some fats weren't just driving by and saw free food sitting out? If they talked to anyone, they'd be expected to know names. If they instantly start shoveling in food and distance themselves, they know no one's going to confront them. Be rude, ask them who they are and who they know there. If the people they point out don't confirm it, threaten to call the cops for food theft or something if they don't leave. You said they've already stolen actual cash.
[–] l23r 0 points 3 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago
Well, at least you don't need to worry about the repercussions of not leaving any will money to that part of the family. Even the kid is gonna be dead before you. I'm assuming you aren't 50+ but even then...
[–] ShitArchon 0 points 3 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago (edited ago)
My favorite part is that it's raining right now. I miss fireworks but it's wonderful for sleeping.
A shame you guys can't kick them out. As /u/Quiggleton pointed out, it sounds more like people making up the "we're distantly related" part than actual family--but these are hams, sitting and eating without other interaction is what they do. For example, as the author of Obeast At The Orgy recounted, swinger parties are often just nude potlucks for old fat people.
Your great-uncle is the hero we need. Americans don't fat-shame nearly enough when hams impose on others.
[–] unikko [S] 0 points 4 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago
You hit it on the head there. I'd be appalled but this behavior is what I expect from a fat. Greedy, rude, and disgusting. I was so proud when my great uncle let out his inner shitlord. Truly an American Hero :')
[–] LittleBittz 0 points 3 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago
Why have family parties ruined by this? Simply designate yourself the greeter of the family when they show up and politely ask how they are related. If they can't come up with any names of people they are related to, just kindly ask them to leave! They are crashing the party. They're the ones being rude. WTF
[–] l23r 0 points 4 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago
Even if they can come up with some name, like Uncle Bob or whatever, OP can always say something like "I am so sorry you didn't respond to our invite. We didn't make enough food to go around." Then look at their stomach and say "I'm sure you understand!"
[–] unikko [S] 0 points 4 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago
By all logical accounts, someone should ask them to leave but we're Midwestern so instead everyone stares at them while they gorge themselves and then we talk shit about them in a way that makes it sound like we're not talking shit.
I texted some family and I guess lard dad is my great aunt's second cousin once removed. Apparently today at the food table he was loudly commenting to his lardy spawn about how he is indeed related to us. He missed the memo that if you have to explain how you are related then you are not related enough to show up.
[–] Buttress_of_windsor 0 points 2 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago
I moved to the Midwest as an adult, no family here. Y'all are fucked up. People look at me like I have two heads for saying some basic shit. Also it is extremely frustrating when people are incapable of shooting me straight. Why? Why are people such pansies here?
[–] unikko [S] 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago (edited ago)
I think this article hits some of the big points. Basically we are conflict-averse to a fault—brusque is not how we do it. https://www.thrillist.com/lifestyle/nation/my-life-living-midwestern-nice
EDIT: Wanted to add that it's a cultural thing. It can be frustrating sometimes but I think it has its upsides. I'm going to school on the east coast now and everyone is so abrasive out there. There was definitely some culture shock for me. I definitely prefer the Midwestern approach. Despite the shitty conflict resolution strategies I feel like people are nicer on the whole here.
[–] Buttress_of_windsor 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
I'll tell you what really burned me, I thought I was friends with some people for 2 years. I would go out to lunch with them and things like that, then I find out they went to elaborate lengths to not invite me to things. I saw them on the trail I bike when they said they were cancelling plans after a few similar "cancelled" things we were going to do. I felt literally sick that I wasted my time with people who were too pathetic to just not be my friend and lead me on. After 2 years it really made it hard for me to develop any kind of friendship again bc I can't tell if someone is faking it 😕
[–] jennyanydots817 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Very interesting article, thanks for posting. I'm from the Midwest and it was spot on.
[–] Shmerby ago
Don't be against the fourth of July ifs the time when our country was independent be against the fats that have taken over our country