So I'm in the break beetus room at work, enjoying a light lunch of my username and skyr, when my olfactory region is assaulted by a sickly sweet, stale, and sweaty odour. Imagine a week old pig carcass left to rot in humid summer weather, if you will. "Ah, must be one of my co-porkers", I think, "about to cure a serious case of low sugars, and hand-to-mouth-itis".
The obeast slowly shifts towards the fridge, opens the door with a hog-like grunt, and pulls out what I assume to be an HFCS injected, sugar coated package of genetics. I look over to have a chuckle and, to my surprise, porky the wonder orc is holding a salad. "Could this creature", I wonder to myself, "have reached, albeit at least 30 years too late, some stage of self awareness and basic reasoning?"
Noticing my expression of mild disbelief, Waddles McSwishyGunt proudly exclaims "Look Tuna, I'm eatin' healthy! Just like you!" and promptly reaches for the bottle of Hidden Calorie Ranch. At this moment, I get a wonderful idea, and as soon as Mr. Exercise? I Thought You Said Extra Fries! starts pouring, I start to count out loud... "1 Mississippi... 2 Mississippi... 3 Mississippi..."
It takes a few more, but eventually Meat Sweats stops squirting (from the bottle... not butter from his greasy pores, sadly), tilts his head like a lost puppy, and asks "why are you counting?"
"Well", I say, "each Mississippi is about a tablespoon and a half worth of ranch. That's around 100 calories. Since I counted to 8, don't fucking tell me you're 'eating healthy' when you're about to enjoy some ranch soup."
I believe I heard Rancho McFasto oink out something about me having an 'unhelpful attitude' and that I shouldn't be 'food shaming', but I'd tuned it out at that point. Honestly, it's a wonder I'm still employed here, but, since this is an extra job, and I don't need the money, as long as I'm here, the shitlording will continue until BMI improves.
...and you guys will get stories.
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[–] shadybrainfarm 0 points 3 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago
How the fuck do people use that much ranch? Yeah ranch is kind of a low class dressing, but I like it. I use maybe 3 tablespoons max whenever I have it (but usually more like 1.5). The only way I would use over half a cup of dressing is if my salad contained like 2 entire bunches of greens (plus an appropriately scaled up amount of whatever other veggies).
[–] TunaAndCucumbers [S] 0 points 2 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago
Closest I ever come to ranch is greek yogurt style dressings. I have a hard time justifying ~40 calories per tbsp of dressing in my tuna salad, never mind double that. Especially when the lighter version tastes better.
[–] shadybrainfarm 0 points 3 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago
Oh yeah, I actually only ever eat the "opa" brand greek yogurt ranch dressing, unless out out at a diner or something. I just think of it as normal ranch. It does taste better, I really like the yogurt one, but the full fat version is nice as an occasional treat. I don't keep it at home. With the yogurt one, I add a little dill and cayenne pepper to it. Yuussss.....I actually used to always make tuna salad with the "feta dill" flavor of the greek yogurt dressing. Just enough to hold it together which is like barely any, its super good.