So I'm in the break beetus room at work, enjoying a light lunch of my username and skyr, when my olfactory region is assaulted by a sickly sweet, stale, and sweaty odour. Imagine a week old pig carcass left to rot in humid summer weather, if you will. "Ah, must be one of my co-porkers", I think, "about to cure a serious case of low sugars, and hand-to-mouth-itis".
The obeast slowly shifts towards the fridge, opens the door with a hog-like grunt, and pulls out what I assume to be an HFCS injected, sugar coated package of genetics. I look over to have a chuckle and, to my surprise, porky the wonder orc is holding a salad. "Could this creature", I wonder to myself, "have reached, albeit at least 30 years too late, some stage of self awareness and basic reasoning?"
Noticing my expression of mild disbelief, Waddles McSwishyGunt proudly exclaims "Look Tuna, I'm eatin' healthy! Just like you!" and promptly reaches for the bottle of Hidden Calorie Ranch. At this moment, I get a wonderful idea, and as soon as Mr. Exercise? I Thought You Said Extra Fries! starts pouring, I start to count out loud... "1 Mississippi... 2 Mississippi... 3 Mississippi..."
It takes a few more, but eventually Meat Sweats stops squirting (from the bottle... not butter from his greasy pores, sadly), tilts his head like a lost puppy, and asks "why are you counting?"
"Well", I say, "each Mississippi is about a tablespoon and a half worth of ranch. That's around 100 calories. Since I counted to 8, don't fucking tell me you're 'eating healthy' when you're about to enjoy some ranch soup."
I believe I heard Rancho McFasto oink out something about me having an 'unhelpful attitude' and that I shouldn't be 'food shaming', but I'd tuned it out at that point. Honestly, it's a wonder I'm still employed here, but, since this is an extra job, and I don't need the money, as long as I'm here, the shitlording will continue until BMI improves.
...and you guys will get stories.
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[–] Shitlord2016 0 points 53 points 53 points (+53|-0) ago
One of my fat subordinates(I didn't hire her I inherited her) told me that one of the skinny girls in the office was bullying her. Since I'm already in trouble with HR for not dealing with a similar matter last month I invited them into my office to talk about it and see if we could work it out.
The hammy one says, " I told her about how I was getting healthy like her and she wouldn't take me to the gym with her until I stopped eating fast food". I said, " how is that her bullying you? It sounds to me that she is perfectly willing to help you once you put forth some effort". She then said, and I shit you not, " I'm not trying to lose weight, I'm trying to get healthy".
So now I'm watching a diversity video with the skinny girl. I'm pretty sure this video is dated becuase it's teaching me not to say racist things to African Americans instead of not being mean to fatties.
This fatty makes 80k a year, how can she be so fucking stupid.
[–] Totenglocke 0 points 31 points 31 points (+31|-0) ago
Give fatty some tight deadlines that you know she won't meet due to laziness. Then fire her pork-ass. Done.
[–] theJshow 0 points 10 points 10 points (+10|-0) ago (edited ago)
I LOL'd SO FUCKING HARD AT THIS. "one of my fat subordinates(I didn't hire her I inherited her)"
I think I'm on mandatory diversity training too from all the shit I let out of my mouth with no filter. I'm literally sitting in some 80's BS video once a month I use for nap time.
[–] ShitArchon 0 points 4 points 4 points (+4|-0) ago
Sounds kinda good tactic, I'm apt to get a lot of those in the future because I have no filter.
[–] Runninghigh 0 points 2 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago
Are you fucking kidding me.
[–] [deleted] ago
[–] Shitlord2016 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
In SC it is when you are 24. The cost of living is really low down here.