My sister's best friend is a hambeat of epic proportions. I can't fucking stand her; not just because she's an oreogre, but because she's got a shitty personality too (who would have guessed?) I've posted about her many times before - you can check out the first post here
Saturday night my sister threw a birthday party for her kids. It was a small family event; just our immediate family and her husband's parents. And fir some reason, the Fat Bridesmaid. The last few family functions we've had, she's shown up. I don't know why. She's not family. Nobody likes her except my sister. Even her husband can't stand her.
My sister had a veggie tray laid out before dinner. The Fat Bridesmaid waddled over, picked up a carrot stick, chomped on it noisily and announced (I shit you not): "there! I've eaten my vegetable for the week. Now I can have cake!" Nobody laughed but her.
For dinner, my sister had a make-your-own taco bar. Mr. Ferret and I each helped ourselves to 2 tacos loaded with veggies, and made a taco salad for the little guy. The Fat Bridesmaid plopped herself down beside me (why does this fat bitch always insist on sitting next to me?) with 3 tacos that were topped with nothing except a pile of beef and a mound of shredded cheese, covered with an assload of sour cream. I tried to make small talk with everyone else at the table while the eat beast chomped noisily in my ear. After she scarfed down her three tacos, she got up to get two more meat/cheese taco abominations. Then after that, she returned to the table a third time with her plate filled with nothing except meat, cheese, and sour cream. I guess she figured it would be faster to skip the taco shell and just eat the artery-clogging crap on its own. Oh, but I guess the calories don't count because she was drinking Diet Coke.
After dinner we all sat around having coffee and chatting. My sister had some artisan cookies made, and offered them to everyone. I'm not really a cookie person, but they were really good. The Fat Bridesmaid must have thought so too, because after she devoured hers, she went around asking everyone if they got a cookie. When everyone said yes, she proceeded to eat 4 or 5 more off the tray my sister had been holding. Plus she snatched up a handful of "to go" cookies that were wrapped in cellophane bags and shoved them into her purse. Those were supposed to be the party favours, my sister intended on giving one to everyone before they left. My sister seemed upset, but didn't say anything.
Then came the cake. My sister had the same lady who made the cookies make the cake, so it was a 8" artistically decorated cake. She cut it into 12 pieces, which would have been enough for everyone, including the children, to have their own piece. Since we were still sitting around talking over coffee, we didn't all grab a piece of cake right away. Well, the Fat Bridesmaid took this as an opportunity to grab TWO. She gobbled up the first one before everyone had gotten a piece, and felt it was perfectly acceptable to help herself to another. Then she did something really disgusting - my other sister's boyfriend didn't particularly care for the fondant on the cake, so he ate around it and left his plate (with the fondant) on the coffee table. The Fat Bridesmaid saw this as an invitation, and she leaned over, snatched up the whole piece of fondant, and popped it into her mouth. My sister's boyfriend gave her a look that was half disbelief, half disgust, and she replied, "Oh my god I just love fondant! I couldn't let yours go to waste!" Being the clever shitlord that he is, he just replied, "that crap is all sugar, it's gross." She didn't respond.
We left very shortly after, but on the way home, Mr. Ferret remarked that the Fat Bridesmaid looks almost as old as my mom, when in fact she's younger than me. He noted, "The Fat Bridesmaid doesn't have any defining features - her face is nothing but fat. It's like it's just oozing out of her face, you can't see her jaw or her chin or anything."
I'm honestly not sure what my sister sees in this "friend" but I really hope she won't show up to crash our next family gathering.