...I don't even know where to start with something like this. You'd think I'd be used to whining by now.
I guess, I've been depressed for years now, for a multitude of reasons. Some I've kinda gotten used to over the years, others still hurt today.
Working retail is cancer. Coworkers are all extroverted, college aged party girls and my superior is a moody cunt. Work itself is monotone and hearing the same thirty songs for 40 hours a week makes me want to puke.
School is crap, and it's always been so. Everyone around me successfully socializes while I listen to music and stay in my corner at the back of the class. I'm incompetent at most of the subjects, except for English and Math and the only reason I'm decent at those is because the requirements are so low for them here.
Living with my family is tough, as I pretty much can't tell them anything about myself and have to live most of my life in secrecy. In case you're really curious, it's because
Not being able to have fun... well, that should be obvious. Video games used to be fun, but nowadays I can't bring myself to play them anymore. And when I do, I quit in a few minutes because I'm not really good at them, and it makes me feel like crap.
Not having any talents... which everyone always questions, because I guess it's unlikely that someone'd be this incompetent or whatever. Sure, I have a bunch of dreams, one of them being video game development. But, five years later, I have made no virtually progress and am just as bad at all of it as I was back then.
Oh, and social anxiety, to this day, hurts. I've never known how to make friends, and most of my attempts end in failure. ...and I only say most because I still have a few friendships I haven't ruined... for now.
Speaking of that... well, I technically have a boyfriend. Long distance, but he is there. But I have no idea for how long. We don't really have too much in common. We don't really do much together, mainly due to me being a useless bitch. And it seems like every day, I just drain him of his energy with my constant, never ending depression. We intend to move in together in a year, but honestly, I don't think I can really ever be in a successful relationship. ...or any type of relationship, for that matter. He loves me, and supposedly he doesn't mind me being depressed, but I highly doubt that, considering how all of my other friends have pretty much told me to piss off with the sad stuff. This whole situation with him has honestly been so... difficult to deal with. I wanna be better for him, but I don't know how, or whether I even can.
...that was a bunch of nonsensical rambling, wasn't it?
Hell if I know, honestly. But whatever.
Fuck.
...I just kinda got lonely, and nobody wants to talk to me, or cares.
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[–] AMI_Basic-E- [S] 0 points 2 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago
...Jesus, it's like a novel. A bit overwhelming, honestly. But thank you. I'll try to sit down and read through it once I get some time off of work.
...though it is a bit reminiscent of psychotherapy, which... always just made me feel worse.
[–] toats ago (edited ago)
Yeah it's structured like a course so there are exercises in addition to reading. Just do a module per week or develop a pace that works for you.
Often the end goals that they present you with in the intro and summary sections can feel daunting, but setting ultimate goals and immediate goals is a skill that it will help you develop. Also seeing your behaviour without rationalizing it can make you feel worse at first, but it's an important step to changing detrimental behaviours and habits.
I hope it helps!