I have been a life long sufferer of depression, I had my first thought of suicide at age 6. I know what you are going through. There are several lies at work in your life.
1) You're not good enough.
2) What you have in your life isn't good enough.
So you're lonely, no friends, no lover. Overweight - I am. If only you could have a girlfriend / boyfriend. If only you could have more money. If only, if only, if only.
Having more won't make it better if you aren't happy with what you have. There are answers that will actually make things better.
But here is the real lie. It is a lie that you have fooled yourself into believing.
You want out. You are tired of living. You don't care anymore. People won't miss you / they will get over it.
But there is a problem. You aren't going to kill yourself. <YES, YES I AM!> No you're not. not this time anyway. This time around you aren't low enough, your not sad enough. There is still that little part of you that wants to see tomorrow. You have to kill it. Kill that part of you that keeps you alive so that you can end it.
So you go over the 'facts' again. You recite them, they have become a mantra you repeat every time you get a little down. You've done this a thousand times now,
YOU KNOW EACH AND EVERY FACT ABOUT WHY YOU ARE SO FUCKING WORTHLESS BY HEART
But it passes. The desire to die fades, you have no more emotional energy to pump into it. So you get out of bed, you get on with life until depression strikes again.
Regret is the worst part. That is the thing that steals all of your joy and you don't tell anyone about that because they wouldn't understand. See, there will be a next time - you know it even if everyone around you seems clueless to that fact, there will be a next time. It will be different though because if you had been man enough to kill yourself last time you wouldn't be going through this now. Then you think of all the hundreds of times you thought about killing yourself, if you had done it then, you would be free.
Congratulations, you just added one more 'fact' to the mantra of how fucking useless you are.
But you've missed it. If you have read this far and though, this is me, you've missed it. You have missed the lie.
Depression is a demon, real or metaphorical, it doesn't matter. It is a demon whose purpose is to extract the maximum amount of pain from you.
DEPRESSION WON'T LET YOU DIE
That's the lie. I know, I've lived there for decades. I've gotten that sick high from thinking about my death. FUCK YOU LIFE, I don't need you. FUCK YOU WIFE, you've only used me. FUCK YOU ASSHOLES, you can't touch me anymore.
But the demon, your 'friend' betrays you. You beat yourself up, you run yourself down, you convince yourself that life is pointless. You rub it in and push the knife deeper wanting the pain to end - but you are causing the pain.
"It doesn't matter because when I'm dead, I'll be free" and there you go - because that demon isn't letting you go - EVER. It won't let you die until it has wrung every last tear from your soul, till it has taken everything from you and the it will cast you aside. Living. In the wreck of your life. And then you see that it hasn't only stolen death from you.
It has taken every year that things could have been better. It has stolen every year that you could have been happy, if you had talked to someone. If you had let go of your death wish. Hopefully the people who will lave you are still there to get help, if not there are others.
You have to abandon the idea that life has to be a certain way, that you have to have certain things. You also have to accept yourself for who and what you are, and be OK with that. You're on voat - that makes you cool. That is a start to loving yourself.
Find God. I'm Christian so I'll push the Jesus angle, but go Buddhist if that is more your thing. There you can find help letting go of all the materialistic crap that gets shoved down our throats. You can also find people to walk besides you as you grow in faith.
So don't fall for it. You're not going to die, you will only lose precious moments that you could have been spent being happy.
Don't lose years of your life for nothing.