[–] ardvarcus 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

A clever little truffle, but over-written.

[–] Scablifter 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

I liked it a lot, amusing and drew me in very well. But overwritten? (scratches chin)

[–] ardvarcus 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago  (edited ago)

The first part. It took the writer a whole page of yammering before he even started his story. And then throughout the actual story he kept inserting snide little witticisms which contributed nothing. Take those things away and you've got a nice little, much briefer, tale.