Archived I went to sleep for the daytime, I shut my eyes to the sunshine (youtube.com)
submitted ago by blumen4alles
Posted by: blumen4alles
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Archived on: 10/3/2020 10:00:00 AM
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Archived I went to sleep for the daytime, I shut my eyes to the sunshine (youtube.com)
submitted ago by blumen4alles
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[–] friendsend ago
Iāve been watching a channel on YouTube called Living Well With Schizophrenia. The girl that runs the channel, who is schizophrenic, will never reach peak spiritual states or altered states of consciousness to the point where she becomes hyper aware of reality. And thatās the problem. She will be medicated, she will be expected to act like everyone else. She will not be allowed to live in her hallucinations, she will not be able to act out the dramas in her mind until she finds herself and comes out of it with new knowledge for herself and all those she loves. She will never. Most donāt. My daughterās father was the only reason I made it out. We were hanging out, being hella schizo, living out the insanity in our heads, and I became ok. I wish for a truly human experience - and I donāt think I ever truly have experienced that. I have to do this, do that, have this, have that. Today I decided that there is a way into space without Elon Musk, and that I could get there. It was a sane thought. I made the decision I was going to believe that. And when I did the fucking little dots started sparking in my vision, as if in celebration that I made that belief for myself.
Jesus, fren. The other day I sat in my front yard and looked into the sky. As usual, the little dots of light came into my vision - BUT THEN - I started seeing little black things fly everywhere. I saw them five times. It didnāt look like a vision, it was as physically there as a bird, but it didnāt move like a bird, it moved like... something else. As real as car I drive in or the people I see. My god - Iām just, floored. Iāve never seen anything like it. If I see a bird, itās obvious itās a bird. When I look that high into the sky itās usually a hawk, which seem to call to me. These little black things left trails behind them and darted about quickly. Not a UFO or space ship. It just reminded me of a person being able to just fly around, like I was seeing their energy output while they jetted around the clouds. I could only see it for about two seconds before it would fly out of my vision.
My daughter, I allowed her to have some slightly hallucinogenic tea. Since she drank it sheās had a voice in her head. Itās a male, she says itās an ancestor, but I might have put that idea in her head when I questioned her to find out more. She said - ha! - that the voice said I shouldnāt tell anyone what I see or experience, because when Iām off my meds that we will be able to do really smart things. That voice tells her a lot of wise stuff, I get super shaken sometimes. In a good way. Ideally, I respond well without meds, right? Ideally, I do smart things. I wouldnāt micro-dose her without a hella healthy person around to be buffer and support. Iām kind of intelligent in certain ways, for sure, but not in all ways, and thatās an area outside my expertise. Damn it! Not sure how a kid with two schizo parents would react to mushrooms, even a micro dose. Sounds like something a real human would do. Weāre kind of cogs right now. Sad.
Ha. Just looked at the sky and saw another black thing flying around. New phenomenon. Iām in my front yard - itās so pretty. And the weather here is so nice right now.
I have just started paying special attention to moon cycles... I have NOT yet found it in me to look at Jewish holidays - lest (((they))) need more attention - I swear. Yeah, Iām sure it was no accident, and the B has been dead for a while. I have no faith in the media system, and there is no one deep into real happenings that the info theyād bring would be believed by the masses. I believe it, because I believe a lot of crazy shit, because that seems to be the realest stuff to me. What an insane time to be alive. I have spiritual insight, according to MY alien overlords to whom I send my prayers to, that the coming years are the last fight the dark has before we reach the unveiling of a higher reality. So Iām not too stressed about the matters at hand, my mind is elsewhere. Which could be incredibly insane, as it goes, you know. Iām at the bottom of the totem pole, and RBGās death could have taken a long time to get to me from the top where all the knowings of humanity are immediately known. Like when a voice in my head said āShe doesnāt know Robin Williams died.ā Then three months later he supposedly did. I told you about that. It could be that he just escaped into outer space, like Micheal Jackson. Itās not a prison planet for all, I think. Itās all a game, though. All of it.
Alright fren, write me when you can. No rush. Iām around.
Blessings.
[–] blumen4alles [S] ago
Gave the dog another bath. He was not happy about it. More chores probably won't write again till tomorrow morning.
That is very wise. The part where "Iām off my meds" your daughter is talking about you or herself? I took it as you when I read that.
It was so hard not to try to tell people what about what I saw, heard, thought, or experienced during my mystical experience. All I wanted to do was share. I just kept telling myself "those who know do not speak, those who speak do not know" over and over. I tired to focus on remembering what was flowing through my head, so I created all these imaginary things I would/could do. Lay out patterns. Be at certain places. Be with certain people. Relive moments with my new knowledge and do things differently.
It is lonely. I think you are very lucky to be able to be in that space with your daughters father. I only get that in my dreams. It is nice, but it also makes me miss having someone that I feel like "gets it". The dreams are sweet though, I had a pleasant one this morning.
Better get to work before I lose an hour. Have a good night fren.
[–] friendsend ago (edited ago)
It was about me - me being off my meds. Youāre the only person Iāve been able to tell most of this about. My brother knows about the tiny bursts of light, and that I have slight hallucinations sometimes, but thatās it. Iāve never had an ear that would take me seriously - ever. My boyfriend last year (1st boyfriend since my daughter was born - knew him for over 10 years), I told him of what would go on, and I think it just amused him because he is high strung and bored of people. He was so asleep, I almost throw up in my mouth thinking about how I was with someone who was such a sheep. We both meant well, and I was lonely. He did tell me that if I went insane in front of him heād beat it out of me. SO GLAD I wasnāt a desperate woman to stay in that relationship. I hope my trust in you isnāt misplaced, itās been so nice to just SAY IT. So freeing but scary to SAY IT, and the anonymity helps, I guess. My daughterās dad - we were good together when I was nuts, but these days he is so gone, I havenāt been speaking to him. When I moved back home in January we saw him often, but then two-ish months ago I tried to start having him come over here... my grandmother is deathly afraid of him because of his insanity. He came over and it was a wreck. A wreck. He was thoughtless, crude, and extremely difficult to be around. We havenāt really spoken since. Through all these years we would speak on the phone at least once a day, and he would say things about things I dreamed, or call me right when a dream got bad, or say something about something Iād been thinking about that day. It happened everyday, so I know weāre connected... but what do you do when the person youāve had a child with, who has saved your life, canāt fucking function at all? At all. He needs help bathing, or he wont. He canāt drive, he canāt cook his own food, he can barely wipe his own ass. Oh my god, Iām about to cry. I have this beautiful daughter that was given to me by him, in the mist of my insanity and promiscuity and barrenness at 27 years old - I was obsessed with him after we met in the psych ward. I was off the wall, the techs and doctors had no idea what to do with me.. I grabbed a girl by her hair and brought her to the ground screaming to her āWho am Iā over and over while 10 people were trying to get me off of her. I went up to the doctor and took off his glasses, told him he was ..a fraud or something... then bent his glasses in half and handed them back. Then I started singing this song standing in the middle of the room while making the gun symbol with my hands pointing them at everyone because I thought they were hiding a child I supposedly had... Omg. So J (we will call my daughterās dad that) saw me do all this and he thought it was hilarious. So I go outside for the smoke break and I had a sheet over my head, and I thought I was with the galactic police, and J comes out and I was told in my head that he was on the planet for prison-time because he was some criminal prince from another planet. (Omg - Iām dying remembering this stuff. I was having SO MUCH FUN but I was INSANE. Lol. Holy yads.) So - I told you this before - J comes up to me, puts lotion on my forehead and tells me Iām going to hallucinate - and then I do. After I hallucinated in the bathroom, I stripped down naked and walked into the common room - where I was dragged into the padded room and got a shot in my ass. I was left there for about 12 hours while I hallucinated. Other things happened, but I was obsessed with him after that. And when I was forced into that psych ward, the voices told me I would meet a āJā (I think I told you that.) So I thought it was fate and didnāt care about anything else but being around him. But Iām sane-ish now, and I canāt be in schizo-land with someone who doesnāt care to feed the baby, you know? Iām on the cusp of being high functioning. Canāt slide back man, even though Iāve had experiences with him that are mind bending and make me think heās the answer. Heās not. Itās been a really hard lesson. Really hard.
I DID have experiences with another man a few times - a friend of the family - He came to visit me when my daughter was young, and I remember around him I was thinking crazy stuff - but I pretended I was a princess, so I put a mask on and a robe on and went in front of the mirror. My face started changing into other faces. I saw probably 10. One of them was an old Asian Kung-fu master face with the long mustache! Lol. Every time he came around something happened. I remember before I got pregnant, on the journey that led me to the psych ward where I met J, I was sitting with the family friend on a porch telling him how aliens gave me their language. When I went to sleep that night I saw spirits coming in and out of who-evers body was sitting in some chair by the bed. So, three men: my daughterās dad, our family friend, and the man that made me insane in Egypt. All males. The only time Iāve been with a female and had something happen was when I was with my best friend a few weeks ago and her face started morphing into other faces. Made me think she is a simulation or a program.
Damn, that MIA song I linked above is making me want to be back in the Middle East. How funny is that? My daughter caught me listening to it - came out of our room and hit me - told me I was being a degenerate listening to it. OMG DYING. Lol.
Night. I might take a break tomorrow from the screen. Will probably be back on Monday afternoon. Peace, fren. Thanks for letting me talk ABOUT MYSELF. Iām feeling hella selfish right now but as I said - it feels good just to SAY IT to someone who wonāt call the crisis line. So, so, so therapeutic. Thank you for being an open mind and letting a stranger type her life story in a safe way. Feels so good. Thank you.
Night fren.
[–] friendsend ago (edited ago)
To be honest though, when Iād read about your dinner (because I read your responses several times before commenting back), I thought itād be gross. Every time I read it, I just remember thinking itād be gross.
LMAO.EDIT - It wasnāt funny, what happened. Iām sorry fren.[–] blumen4alles [S] ago
I think this is the comment you mentioned. Nah it is funny now. Got some more skunk shampoo if it happens again. Not like I am going to go around and start killing skunks, I think they have just as much of a right to be here as I do.
One way of looking at this place is we are all dreamers and creators. You can also see it as a competition, and the most powerful dreamer wins. This is why it is important to be mindful of our thoughts and careful with our words. All this means is you are a powerful dreamer & I need to be more careful, and stick to my personal rules.
My dog went swimming the other evening just as the the light was fading. I pointed out a beaver on the opposite bank of the river and he swam over to it. Beaver tail-slapped when he got to the other side. Wow did he smell like skunk the whole time he was drying. Ewwwww.
Last night I bit his ear playfully and all I could taste is skunk. Ewwwwwww.
If it was your fault I forgive you, but I really take responsibility as my thoughts were very specific.
We eat lots of meat usually. In the summer I eat more salads but I still like meat. I enjoy all kinds of food though, except for any imitation foods. Imitation crab meat, tofu, fake cheese, etc. I can understand why someone would want to eat vegetarian, I just don't understand why they want to transform the stuff into something it is not. Falls in line with me disliking any forms of deception. I hate fake.