I am writing here because I don't really have any other outlets to express how I feel.
And maybe being called a faggot soyboy will make me feel better, who knows?
As of last Friday I broke up with my girlfriend of three years.
It was semi-mutual, there was a new element of long distance and neither of us were sure whether or not we wanted to push through the long distance.
We finally had a talk and it was over so quick, and it felt like we were both making arguments for each other "Oh I can't ask you to do this", "Oh I cant keep you in the relationship in good conscience". We never really made arguments saying "Yes, this is the best option for ME".
So, in the end it seemed like we really didn't want to break up.
I was fine for the first 48 hours, continued going to the gym was thinking positively and all that jazz.
But, then it hit me, I had a major perspective shift.
I began to feel like I grew complacent in the relationship, the things I valued and loved I took for granted.
They happened often, I expected them to happen, they were the norm.
Now being separated from them I realized I valued those things a lot, they were things keeping me afloat.
I felt like I had made a great mistake because when I looked into the future I don't feel any fulfillment without her.
Success at my job, success at my education, and social success all seemed trivial and pointless if I wasn't doing it for her.
That someone that makes you strive for things, and become a better person is now missing.
And I know the usual "You'll find someone better or that makes you just as happy".
But, I currently don't want to find another person. I honestly believe I could be with her for the rest of my life.
I probably CAN move on, but I don't want to move on.
Relationships nowadays are already so tenuous that the slightest of struggle breaks them apart, and I feel as though we overcame a lot of obstacles and odds to get to where we were.
And I feel like I just threw it away in the course of a 25 minute conversation.
So, 5 days after breaking up I ask to talk to her. I tell her my feelings of how I don't want things to be over and feel as though breaking up was a mistake.
She says she still has feeling for me and cares for me a lot, but needs a couple of days to think about it all.
And now I am stuck in some limbo where I am waiting for a response, and I am unsure whether I should hold hope or feel devastated.
I've fallen into a rut of depression, nothing sounds fun, nothing seems fulfilling.
I just lay in bed or sit on the computer all day hoping and waiting I'll get a call (that isn't a spam call from Nevada trying to sell me on VIP hotels, fuck you).
I've tried to imagine myself happy in the future with career success or someone else, and it just doesn't work.
It feels gross and wrong, and unfulfilling.
Not sure what to do, not particularly looking for advice more of just ranting and getting my thoughts down.