0
1

[–] gr33narrow 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

Also, just to be 100% clear I love your descriptive nature. It's just the right medium between "too little" and "too much." You've got the perfect about of description in the surroundings so don't take any editing or changing around of words as an insult.

I cannot wait until we hear more from you!

0
1

[–] zealously_yours [S] 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

( I'll reply to both your responses in this one, if that's ok! )

Firstly, thank you so much for checkin' it out, and for giving me some pointers! I actually agree with you -- I know that when I just get into "the flow" of things, I can definitely overreach some paragraphs/sentences ( I know I have a tendency to keep a thought going on wayyy longer then it needs to. ) And I'm working hard on my continuity problems ( trying not to say the same word twice too soon when describing an object/feeling/etc. ) So I'll definitely keep working on that!

And thank you so much for your kind words! I'm always afraid of going too overboard with my descriptions of things, so I'll for sure be using this AND your examples as a kind of template for my future writings.

And I'll definitely be stickin' around! Can't wait to write more ;D

0
0

[–] gr33narrow 0 points 0 points (+0|-0) ago 

You are so welcome! You have a lovely way of describing things. I really do mean that. I am a sucker for a good description -- but not too much. You've hit the key balance.

And I completely understand what you mean about getting in the flow of things. It's so easy to do.

Hey, if you haven't subscribed already, come check out my other subverse v/promptoftheday

I really think you'll fit in there and you can meet a bunch of nerds like me. (Sorry @Flow ... I will pimp out my other subs)

0
1

[–] gr33narrow 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago  (edited ago)

I enjoy your writing style immensely, and yes this kind of post is allowed.

So I think that, while not technically grammatically correct, a few of the longer paragraphs should be broken up.

But as the sun was setting and a bloody shade of dying sunlight was pouring into my living room, something lulled me to sleep. Perhaps just the vague sound of a summer night with an uneven heart-beat of cars flashing past outside acted as a lullaby. Or maybe something called. Having seen what I did, I think I'll lean towards the latter.

That right there should be its own paragraph, signaling a change in tone. Continuing on:

From my couch at dusk to the midnight silver of moonlight on the snow, I only vaguely became aware that I was somewhere I shouldn't be. I was in a hollow, a deep, small depression on the brow of some nameless mountain. The snow buried my knees, yet I could not feel the cold. It was silent; the type of silence that seems to make your heart quake. From my snow-covered feet, I drew my gaze upwards and out straight ahead, where the hollow opened up like a meadow, and at it's center was a pond. The water was not frozen, but it was black as the night-sky above it, and still as a corpse, with dark trees drawing in behind it, and the mountain face rising there-after. I glanced to my right to find the trees swept round the hollow and behind me. Same to my left; it was a perfectly round clearing, the snow unblemished as if it had fallen mere moment before, and flat as if not so much as a single boulder or log lay underneath. And behind me, two or three feet at the very most, the darkness of the forest yawned at me, impenetrable, with crooked branches seeming to lap at my back like a parched dog reaching for water that is only inches away.

There were no tracks. Not behind me, or before me. Not to either side. It was as if I had simply appeared here. The place made me wildly uneasy, but I was so aware of my dream-state that I whispered to myself, closing my eyes, "Don't worry, that's how dreams work.. they're not real, just pictures in my mind--.."

While I like some of your descriptive words here, I think just the structure needs some work to really let your voice shine through. Read:

I only vaguely became aware that I was somewhere I shouldn't be - from the safety of my couch at dusk to a hollow; a deep, small depression on the brow of some nameless mountain, the midnight silver reflecting off the snow. The snow buried my knees, yet I could not feel the cold.

It was silent- the type of silence that seems to make your heart quake. From my snow-covered feet, I drew my gaze upwards and out straight ahead, where the hollow opened up like a meadow, and at it's center was a pond. The water, somehow not froze, was black as the night-sky above it and still as a corpse. The dark trees drew in behind it, and the mountain face rising just beyond.

I glanced to my right to find the trees swept round the hollow and behind me. Same to my left; it was a perfectly round clearing, the snow unblemished as if it had fallen mere moment before, and flat as if not so much as a single boulder or log lay underneath. Behind me, two or three feet at the very most, the darkness of the forest yawned at me, impenetrable, with crooked branches seeming to lap at my back like a parched dog reaching for water that is only inches away.

There were no tracks. Not behind me, or before me. Not to either side. It was as if I had simply appeared here. The place made me wildly uneasy, but I was so aware of my dream-state that I whispered to myself, closing my eyes, "Don't worry, that's how dreams work.. they're not real, just pictures in my mind--.."

That segment was really the only one that I could see really broke the imagery. I just rearranged a few words and added in some punctuation to give it a more eerie feeling. However, this is just my opinion -- stylistically speaking. If you like the "edited" version of the paragraph, you can use it as a template to how to space the others. Honestly, it's a very interesting piece. The colors were boldly described, and a severe lack of "feeling" left me uneasy. Good work.