[–] [deleted] 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 



[–] gr33narrow [S] 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

alright! Thanks, I'll work on a continuation of the piece.

It's set in a post-war sort of dystopian future, think Fallout New Vegas. I'll have to go build the world a bit better before I can explain it.


[–] Gnostic 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

Nice piece, but a bit hard to understand what the context was, as Flow said.

Also, who is the main character here and what is he thinking? You're not giving us any insight into their thoughts. For instance, instead of saying "Will stopped for a moment, staring into his glass pensively," why not give us an actual thought, for instance:

"Will stared at his glass. He always knew Kyle wasn't the adventurous type. But he never thought his brother would pass-up such a great opportunity. Getting up, he went to the floorboard...."

Also, try to "show not tell."

"the barren remains of a once bustling town."

Don't tell us it was "once bustling" - show us. Describe the empty taverns, where lavish parties were once held, or the market that's covered in rusted tins of food and other items. Etc etc.

But cool piece overall!


[–] gr33narrow [S] 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago 

Great idea! I'll go into more depth about the town's hardships.

As far as what Will's thinking --- He said it! Though I can change around the wording to make that more clear!


[–] Gnostic 0 points 1 points (+1|-0) ago  (edited ago)

Lol yeah you're right, in that example i was just putting what he said in thoughts. But still, I would like to get insight into the main character's inner world. Most authors usually do this as it helps us connect with the main character a bit more. Without telling us what Will is thinking, he feels a bit distant.Cause obviously in real life we are not just saying what we think all the time!