I've made some mistakes during my marriage and have a bit of a character flaw in that I can be a perfectionist at times. Being a perfectionist in and of itself isn't the worst thing, but it's pretty bad when this trait starts to bleed over into other people's lives. It can and has become controlling- at least in my marriage.
I married an absolutely incredible man who is kind, handsome, and smart. Would say he was the pick of the litter but all his siblings are really great, too. We are also very different people. While I would prefer and afternoon of tennis, he'd rather read a good book or just lounge a bit to help recover from his work week. I've given him a lot of grief over the years about these differences and couldn't understand why he couldn't find relaxation in a more active lifestyle.
My behavior has been counter productive and really hasn't helped improve anything at all. All it has done is tell him that on some level that I don't love him as he is...rather, I love his future perfect self. This wasn't my intention and it surely isn't how I feel.
I now realize that I need to learn how to love my husband better and more gently. I also need to come to terms with the fact that my way of loving (which in part is pushing people to be their best) comes off as harsh and controlling. Fortunately, once something is noticed and realized, change can be made for the better...all this time I was trying to change him when I'm the one who needed to change.
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[–] Le_Squish 0 points 5 points 5 points (+5|-0) ago
Things I learned when I was a store manager , with a very good nentor, that have helped me greatly in my dealings with everyone:
Everyone is good at different things. Best practice is to create an environment where they can be good at the thing they are good at and learn to appreciate that part of them.
Don't set people up for failure by having unreasonable expectations.
If you criticize someone for underperforming, you should have a plan and be able to explain to them why you think they can do it better. Once people get in the mindset that you trying to help them be awesome, they are much more receptive to being bossed around.
When someone has fulfilled their responsibilities, they have earned the right to spend what ever time left how they were see fit.
Learn to calm down and rest and respect other's need for rest are different that yours. Some people get emotionally exhausted easily while others may need to change task frequently to avoid exhaustion from repetitive motions. Rest is restorative and not to be confused with sloth and neglect.
Empower other to criticize you as an important check in your relationship with them. This discourages dependence and establishes that you can handle honest feedback.
When we see behavior we want to criticize, pull back a bit and instead criticize your own judgement. Are you seeing incompetence, laziness, neglect, inconsideration or just something that is simply odd or different? What are the results of this behavior continuing? Most of the time it is simply the other human in your life being a weirdo and sometimes they'll be slacking off on important things and need a stern reminder to straighten up. Some people absolutely cannot self-manage and aren't receptive to positive reinforcement and need someone to be mean to them while others are very conscientious and can self-correct. These are things that can only be learned from holding our tongue and being observant.
[–] Palindromedan 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Awww <3 so wise
[–] 17248664? [S] 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
Saved. What an incredible comment, Squish. Thank you. <3
[–] Le_Squish 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
<3
Don't forget that maybe your noise and energy is a counterbalance that he needs to his quiet.