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[–] Le_Squish 0 points 9 points (+9|-0) ago 

Need more imput.

  1. When was the habit of not listening to you established? Did she never listen to you but you just now noticed?

  2. Have you established yourself as an involved leader and role model of the family? How often in the past have questions she has possed to you been answered with I dunno or do what you want?

  3. Are you reliable and do you consistently follow thru with things you need to do? How many times do you need to be asked to do a chore or errand? Does she feel the need to scd you like a child?

  4. Have you failed to defend her or have been doing things that diminish your masculinity in her eyes?

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[–] Scruffy_Nerfherder [S] 0 points 1 point (+1|-0) ago 

First off she did have really crap parents out of that came a lot of defiance toward authority - any authority. Not in an uppity 'black girl' way, but more passive aggressive. Also we have been married for 22 years, dated for 2 so that is 24 years together as a couple. It wasn't a good marriage until about 2 years ago, before then it was varying degrees of livable. I told her right off the bat (when I was young and naive, and expected reason and accountability) that I could fight the world all day long, but I couldn't fight her AND the world, she had to be on my team. Well 20 years latter that shit just broke me, hell 15 years in I had just given up and pretty much abandoned trying to exert authority and leadership in any sphere where she had influence; kids, house, chores, friends ETC. NOW I want to make things right but I am unsure how to proceed so with that background info, I will answer your questions.

1) Right away. I called my wedding ring the 'magical ring of transformation' because everything that we had talked about and planned went right out the window the instant we got home from the honeymoon.

2) I have tried but have not succeeded.House cleaning was always the biggest bone of contention - I got to the point that I would throw the kids toys away. I actually threw their christmas gifts away one year because I couldn't take the mess. Watching your children crawl through piled up garbage on the floor is awful. I actually tried to do chores at one point juggling the laundry for 7 people, emptying the dishwasher, and doing the grocery shopping all while working 43 - 50 hours a week and doing the other 'manly' stuff like mowing the lawn. I thought if I could help her get a dent in the mess she would take over - nope. That was about 6 years ago and I just flat gave up after that to the point I wouldn't even fix anything around the house.

3) ^^Kind of answered above. I'll go to the store and do most of the shopping.

4) Defend her -- I thought I had. I was always very protective of her and couldn't wait to get her out from under her parents. We moved away in the first year of our marriage it took a long time to fully break their influence. I was naive and thought eventually they would come around and want a relationship on a more equal footing, I was wrong. They are all dead minus her Mother which is the source of the cancer. They no longer talk. Anyway I recently sent her mother a facebook message saying what a worthless piece of shit she was. We aren't friends on FB so even though she got the message, she will never see it. You have to hunt for messages sent to you by people you aren't friends with. None the less, my wife was really grateful that I had sent that. I thought that I was being protective and giving her space and encouragement to work out her issues, maybe she didn't see it that way.

So, that's it in a nutshell.

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[–] 8145098? 0 points 3 points (+3|-0) ago 

Gah, that sucks. Your wife sounds a lot like my brother's.

My husband and I had a power struggle several years ago and it was brutal. We went to counseling and not sure if it helped that much but what it did do was taught us to be more introspective. I learned that I had to stop trying to change him and look inward and what I found wasn't awesome.

I realized that I was looking to him to make the relationship work and wasn't putting forth my best effort. I acknowledged that my casual wine drinking had become problematic, resulting in a seriously bad attitude. My approach was to work on myself and stop focusing on his problems. Went to AA and got a sponsor and worked the steps and that was when our marriage started to improve significantly.

Guess what I want to know is whether either or both of you have been drinking, or not?

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[–] Le_Squish 0 points 2 points (+2|-0) ago 

You guys have had a long time to establish bad habits. Seems like there was no checks and balances between you two so small problems that could have been overcome in the past are now stains and sources of bitterness.

First things first, you have to talked to her to see if she wants to save the relationship. In her mind, she may have demoted you to roommate or manchild and is just hanging around because of co-dependency. No matter how you feel, relationships require all parties to participate and there is no path forward without her willingness to try.

If she's on board to start working on the marriage. Get a counselor and specifically work on building trust. She doesn't trust your leadership and that is why she resist. Just like you don't trust her to keep the household running smoothly.

At the root of is that both of you are passive and there was a lot of accommodating when there were valid reasons to be making a fuss, starting an argument and correcting behavior.

I'm pretty sure that if you can reestablish trust, your wife will happy defer to you.