Have House of Leet, a Canadian geekhaus collective 6-bedroom with shared utilities and internet.
Be Tozetre, a hamplanet in remission who at the time of the story was 300lbs but with marginally less fatlogic than could be expected.
Be Artbro, a cool artist who ate very little and did a lot of kung fu with Tozetre.
Be Furbro, a furry but fellow school grad with Tozetre.
Be Auschwitzbro, a skeletonmode who graduated with Tozetre.
Be two other roommates who don't matter for this story.
Don't ever be SilkHam, 400+ pounds of real woman.
THE STORY SO FAR: SilkHam dates Auschwitzbro, has sex very noisily until I threaten to remove kebab lipid, moves in and gets Auschwitzbro to pay her share of the rent, saunters around the house in silk nightwear and tries to hit on housemates, prompting reactions that (possibly because we are all Canadian) are way more polite than honest. In that we leave immediately instead of throwing up on her shoes. Auschwitzbro eventually convinces her to get a job. SilkHam walks 10 blocks to find work, throws a tantrum midway in a crosswalk, demands ice cream for her good behaviour. SilkHam quits her job, gets a new job, is finally forced out by her ex-boyfriend Auschwitzbro, and proceeds to tell all and sundry that we totally tried to have sex with her, you guys.
THE SAGA CONTINUES...
SilkHam plays games
SilkHam was a weeaboo
SilkHam was a 6'5", 400+ pound weeaboo
Like all other massive weebs, SilkHam was absolutely positive that she looked like an anime waif and waifu
SilkHam decided that she was just like Chii from Chobits
SilkHam would not fucking stop making "chii!" noises
Auschwitzbro decides to run a game of GURPS, our RPG of choice
Auschwitzbro convinces SilkHam to not play a precise copy of Chii because he didn't want intra-party killing in the first session
Artbro plays a hardboiled ex-police detective
Tozetre plays a kung fu earthbending mystic
Furbro plays a powerful mage
SilkHam plays a catgirl
We all saw where this was going, of course. Now, this was before any of us had heard that she thought we were trying to slip her the D, so it all seemed very odd to us at the time, but it made more sense later.
Catgirl begins by being "cute" and pouncing on Tozetre's kung fu master in order to cuddle him
SilkHam makes horrifying "nya!" sound and holds her meatpaws up like a cat's paws, under her chins
SilkHam's catgirl purposefully uses a lethal attack with the possibility of killing Tozetre's kung fu master
Kung fu master has pressure point skill
Kung fu master is not taking shit from a violent sex fiend he just met
Kung fu master turns off catgirl's arms and walks away
SilkHam gets righteously pissed at Tozetre in real life and plots her revenge
But in the meantime, SilkHam turns her attention to Artbro's Detective character
SilkHam decides Catgirl will seduce Detective
SilkHam decides to roleplay it
SilkHam makes eyes at Artbro over the table
SilkHam slides her meatpaw across the table "seductively"
SilkHam attempts to lick her lips and accomplishes a pretty good Jabba impression
Artbro bertstares her and then has his Detective character turn her down in game
SilkHam is now really, really pissed
SilkHam has only one outlet now
Catgirl waits until the kung fu master is in the shower
Catgirl sneaks into the bathroom and attempts to fuck/murder/fuckmurder the kung fu master
NB: I did not know about her weird sex fantasies at this point or I would have noped the fuck out of her living there.
Kung fu master turns off the catgirls arms
and then knocks her unconscious
Detective walks in and handcuffs her to the very substantial plumbing
SilkHam is now raging that she is not allowed to kill/fuck everything she wants
SilkHam is sidelined for the rest of the game because the party refuses to let her out of the bathroom
SilkHam refuses to speak to Tozetre and Artbro for the rest of the week
And thus began several months of blessed silence where Artbro and I would troll the living daylights out of her in the game, and she would get so mad she'd not talk to us for another week, or try to seduce us out of the game.
The end of SilkHam
I mentioned in Part 5 that SilkHam moved out. We all eventually lost touch with her (praise Cthulu), but several years later some mutual friends noticed Artbro and I at a convention.
Oh hey Tozetre
We heard some things, could you confirm them?
"Sure, ladies. What's up?"
Did you really try to force yourselves on SilkHam?
wilhelmscream.rm from both Artbro and I
Oh, okay. Did Auschwitzbro really make a scene in SilkHam's vidja store?
"What happened to SilkHam, anyway?"
Oh didn't you hear?
The universe rang in sweet golden tones at that moment
in her breathing
from being overweight
"Wait, she died..."
from being fat
TL;DR SilkHam tries to fuckmurder her housemates in an RPG, then dies from being too fat.
Thus endeth the Saga of SilkHam.