Have House of Leet, a Canadian geekhaus collective 6-bedroom with shared utilities and internet.
Be Tozetre, a hamplanet in remission who at the time of the story was 300lbs but with marginally less fatlogic than could be expected.
Be Artbro, a cool artist who ate very little and did a lot of kung fu with Tozetre.
Be Furbro, a furry but fellow school grad with Tozetre.
Be Auschwitzbro, a skeletonmode who graduated with Tozetre.
Be two other roommates who don't matter for this story.
Don't ever be SilkHam, 400+ pounds of real woman.
THE STORY SO FAR: SilkHam dates Auschwitzbro, has sex very noisily until I threaten to remove kebab lipid, moves in and gets Auschwitzbro to pay her share of the rent, saunters around the house in silk nightwear and tries to hit on housemates, prompting reactions that (possibly because we are all Canadian) are way more polite than honest. In that we leave immediately instead of throwing up on her shoes. Auschwitzbro eventually convinces her to get a job. SilkHam walks 10 blocks to find work, throws a tantrum midway in a crosswalk, demands ice cream for her good behaviour.
THE SAGA CONTINUES...
SilkHam at work
SilkHam is now employed at Safeway
SilkHam had started out as a register clerk
SilkHam moved too slowly as a register clerk
SilkHam would scan each item slowly and lovingly, staring at the delicious beetus she wasn't allowed to eat
She was moved to a bagger position
She is bagging groceries instead of eating them, a strange new experience
One day she returns to the house, full of tearsboohoo
Concerned, Auschwitzbro asks what's wrong
"THEY FIRED ME!" she wails.
"THEY WERE MEAN TO ME"
Auschwitzbro patiently asks question after question
It seems that, in fact
SilkHam was not fired
SilkHam quit because "people were being mean to her"
"Being mean to SilkHam" means "asking her to do her job"
As a bag girl, SilkHam's job was to fill grocery bags with groceries
Being new, she was slow
Being a lazy-assed bitch, she was even slower
Being a ham lusting after every calorie that passed her, she was slowest
Turns out, people don't like waiting for minutes and minutes while a bag girl slowly lowers one item after another, crushable items at the bottom, as if she was handling eggs
Except when she is actually handling eggs lol
She was bagging groceries at work
A customer asked her to move faster
SilkHam burst into tears and fled to the staff room to bawl (and eat snack cakes)
When a manager approached to ask her what was wrong
SilkHam tore off her apron and declared she could not work in such an environmentboohoo
So now SilkHam was jobless again.
But there was hope!
By this time Auschwitzbro was thoroughly sick of SilkHam's shit.
He didn't want to harpoon the whale any more
their relationship was rapidly becoming platonic at best
therefore, he wasn't going to pay her goddamned rent
therefore, she had to get a job again
Long story short, she did! In the same mall. At the vidja store.
And then kept living in Auschwitzbro's room
But not, thank Cthulu, having any sex with him
But he didn't kick her out, he just kept giving bigger and bigger hints that it was time for her to leave
Because he was omega as fuck
Blessed gravity gave him the greatest plan
Gravity and Ikea
Ikea loft beds
SilkHam finally moves out (and there was much rejoicing)
SilkHam comes home from job at video game store, where they did not fire her
Auschwitzbro is assembling a new bed
A loft bed
A loft bed with a maximum weight limit under SilkHam's body weight
SilkHam ask if this is a hint
Auschwitzbro bertstares her
SilkHam tries to help by holding one of the bars
SilkHam gets tired of holding the bar
SilkHam lays on the mattress instead
Bed is finished
"But where will I sleep tonight?"
Auschwitzbro climbs into his glorious, ham-free nest and sleeps the sleep of the just
SilkHam returns to her "evil" parent's house
Turns out, her parents were "evil" because they'd been insisting their 21 year old daughter get a job. Once she had one, they were willing to take her back.
SilkHam is totally hot, you guys
City of one million people
Job in vidja store at mall in the distant northwest
house in a wealthy district in the distant southeast
1.5 hour transit time
She kept that job for years. YEARS. Nobody could figure out why. But her friends came to visit her at that store. Furbro even dropped by once in a while to buy vidja. And that's when he heard her stories, which /u/CttCJim/ will be able to expand upon, though I will offer a quick sample here.
Oh yeah, all those guys in that house were into me and tried to get me to bang them teehee
Ugh, the guys that lived upstairs were the worst, especially Tozetre and Artbro, they tried to force themselves on me teehee
Yeah my ex really wants me back, he was in the store here two weeks ago begging to have me back, we had to call the police, it was quite a scene tee fucking hee
This last one Furbro thought was kind of odd.
"Two weeks ago you say."
Yes teehee it was so traumatic (and the clustered audience nods sagely)
"That would be the Friday Auschwitzbro flew to America to visit his new girlfriend, actually."
...Oh maybe I meant the Friday afterteehee it was so traumatic after all.
"He gets back this Friday."
Mike drop, exit Furbro stage right.
I've got one more story, a longer one, about the time she tried to play RPGs with us, and the final victory over SilkHam. That will be the end of the saga from me. Thanks for reading!