Have House of Leet, a Canadian geekhaus collective 6-bedroom with shared utilities and internet.
Be Tozetre, a hamplanet in remission who at the time of the story was 300lbs but with marginally less fatlogic than could be expected.
Be Artbro, a cool artist who ate very little and did a lot of kung fu with Tozetre.
Be Furbro, a furry but fellow school grad with Tozetre.
Be Auschwitzbro, a skeletonmode who graduated with Tozetre.
Be two other roommates who don't matter for this story.
Don't ever be SilkHam, 400+ pounds of real woman.
THE STORY SO FAR: SilkHam has noisy, chihuahua-sounding sex with Auschwitzbro, proceeds to express her satisfaction to me the minute we have a conversation. I threaten to club the pair of them like baby seals if I hear them again, blessed silence reigns.
THE SAGA CONTINUES... As I said before, the hallway goes from the front door, past Auschwitzbro's room, then my room, then Artbro's room, to the bathroom. This is important again.
It has been weeks
SilkHam has moved in to Auschwitzbro's room, which everyone is okay with as long as she contributes to rent (and continues to be silent during sex)
SilkHam has no job (about which there is the best FPS), so Auschwitzbro is paying her way and giving her the D on the regular
How do I know this, you ask? Surely if there had been noise I would have murdered them both and been typing this from prison. Well, let me tell you how I knew.
oh boy kung fu practice
Tozetre loves kung fu, Artbro loves kung fu, kung fu is awesome
Tozetre wakes up, checks clock, sees kung fu starts in a bit. Time to shower, I guess
Tozetre hears Artbro's alarm go off, Artbro puttering about in his room getting ready for kung fu
Tozetre hears SilkHam rumbling around Auschwitzbro's room like a self-guided Katamari seeking snack cakes
Tozetre showers, returns to room, dresses
Tozetre pulls open door to call to Artbro
Auschwitzbro's door opens at the same time
Tozetre makes the terrible, terrible mistake of looking
SilkHam is wearing a straight up silk nightgown
A WWI parachute worth of pink silk
lovingly contoured in pink silk
SilkHam walks down the hallway past my open door, waddling and/or swaying her hips seductively
Artbro's door opens
SilkHam passes his door and enters bathroom
Artbro makes choking noise
"Artbro, are you okay?
"I... I don't think I need a shower today. There. There will be. A lot of sweating."
"Yeah. Yeah, that's- Yeah."
Artbro and I turn to the kitchen, where we eat breakfast so that we don't pass out during kung fu.
shuddering as mental image aftershocks pound into our brains
bathroom door opens
hugging every inch of her
SilkHam notices us noticing
"Oh sorry, boys. I hope you don't mind the negligeeteehee . I just feel so... (lowers voice into a moo) sexy in them. "
put down food
leave without a word
run flat-out to practice
That day at practice, Artbro and I fought as if we were demons hunted by raping dickwolves.
TL;DR SilkHam is sexy at us in a way that- oh god, you guys, it's been years and I still want to throw up. Silk nightwear and a shower. Oh god. ( ;_;)
(special bonus voat edition; this was drawn by intarcuate on reddit in response to the original post)