I recently found a new job at a small startup company with huge growth potential. The owners, partners and employees are all normal sized people. My co-workers are seasoned industry veterans who are easy going and love to joke. I thought I had found the mythical Utopian workplace until this afternoon.
I was working in the lab when I noticed a loud banging on a door which is no longer in use. I tried to explain to the people that they would have to walk to the front door, as these doors were not in use per accreditation rules. It only took them about three minutes to explode into wheezing hysterics, after screaming about how they were here to meet with the boss I finally agreed to remove the large metal bars blocking the door and let them into the lab. I can’t say I was surprised when they lumbered into the lab, looking confused and bewildered at about 5’6 350 lbs each. The first words out of their mouths was “where’s the couch” not “thank you”, or “wow the remodel looks amazing”, or “hi, I don’t think I’ve met you before”. I was stunned and staring at them when my boss appeared and demanded to know how they got in. He reprimands me for opening the door as the obeasts lumber into our makeshift eating area.
At this point I notice that they are carrying grocery bags. Not only did I let them in the lab, but I let them in the lab with food! As soon as they see our basic flat pack couch, they thrust themselves onto it as if it was the last safety boat on the titanic, the Swedish engineering groaning under their lard. They begin to unpack the lunch they had brought for my boss and his wife. White bread, ham, cheese, potato chips, cheesy dip, donuts, and deli potato salad.
At noon I took my lunch, they were still there. The moment their jealous eyes saw my kick ass greek salad they started commenting on my age, asking when I was graduating college. Considering that I have several degrees and am almost thirty, I chuckled to myself and corrected them. They suggested that it “must be your genetics”, I had to correct them “nah, I eat a pretty strict diet and do the best I can to exercise and look after myself, my goal is to stay off daily medication until at least 50.” Their eyes got huge, and I noticed that one of them was on her phone, it had been on hold this whole time! As I pulled out my coconut curry with tofu and veg the hippo on hold asked me where I ordered from. Thankfully she didn’t seem shocked when I told her that I made it at home. At this point she puts her phone on loudspeaker, so that everybody in the office can hear that she is on hold with unemployment. Despite the fact that the phone was repeating a message that unemployment wouldn’t be accepting new phone calls due to “unusually high call volume” she remained on the line, insisting to the entire group that they would take her call anyways.
I finished my meal and asked my bosses for marching orders. The quieter hippo (who was wearing leggings disguised to look like jeans) protested that it was a “work free lunch” that it was cruel for me to ask my boss for instructions before returning to work. Thankfully he rolled his eyes, gave me a list of tasks and I was on my way.
Not long after, the hams had decided to tour our new lab. Despite the fact that our lab is a temperature controlled area and there are giant signs on every door stating this, they manage to leave every door open. I spent at least a half hour closing the doors behind them before I politely remind them to close the doors after themselves. “ooh, I was doing that on purpose, it’s much too cold in here”. My head nearly exploded, “we don’t keep this room at 67 degrees because it’s comfortable, it is necessary for proper functioning of our equipment”. It is at this exact moment that I notice that the quiet ham is eating a fucking glazed donut….in the lab…without a napkin. “are you eating in here?”, I yell at her “the two of you need to leave the lab area immediately, we can lose our certification if somebody finds you doing this”. The loud one begins yelling for my boss, “we’re friends of (boss man), we can do whatever we want in here”. I snapped back, “tell that to OSHA! Get out of the lab before I call security… and close the door behind you!” They huffed and puffed and nearly had to roll themselves out of the lab.
Before I left for the day my boss called me into his office. “I heard what happened with my friends”. “You were right, if you promise to keep up the hard work and not tell my wife that I hate them you can have the new manager position”. He slid a salary offer letter across the table and I signed before the mirage faded. I was so happy, I felt like all of my dreams were converging into a grand reward for my dedication to the human experience. I could barely tell my partner about my unbelievably good day when my phone chirped. Turns out that the whales left the door open in a room that needs to be kept like a refrigerator, heating up the machine I was scheduled to use in the morning. Yes, you read that correctly, “was scheduled”. This machine requires 24 hours of temperature stability before it can be used, meaning that I get to come in late tomorrow, now that I’m salary I still get paid!
TL:DR Hams wheeze their way into a temperature controlled lab with food. After announcing that they are unemployed and eating a meal worthy of my garbage disposal, the whales tour the lab messing up the equipment and violating countless OSHA rules. I snap at them and kick them out of the work area. Instead of firing me for being rude to his friends, the owner changes me to salary, gives me a management position, and allows me to come in late the next day because the fats messed up a machine.