(tl;dr Kids are the best shitlords)
There is a ham that goes to my church.
She used to be the organist, but stopped about two years ago, because she didn't get her way. More about that later.
This ham is build like an optical illusion. The shebeast has narrow shoulders, a normal chest/torso, and two massive legs that resemble, in size and heft, actual hams. Even her legs are odd to look at. Her thighs are HYYUUUGE, probably thicker than my entire body, or at least close. Her knees are flabby, obvious fat being stored there, and lastly, she has teeny, tiny ankles. She has had numerous surgeries on her knees, but I don't think I have ever seen her shrink in size, or do anything to help the process.
This ham has been an issue at my church for a while. Our church is a small community, probably 20-30 people, tops. She butts heads with the priest, about what, I don't know, but the two are always having some sort of argument. Our old priest actually left because of her, and now she takes the opportunity to push around the new one. She knows all of the rumors, and details about EVERYONE, and makes it an effort to spread that around, and continue being nosey. She bullies the choir singers, (we only have 3), because they sing off key, and don't follow along with her "musical cues". Okay, that can be a bit frustrating, but then again, everyone in the choir is 70+ years old, I don't think they give a fuck.
So she stopped bothering with them once and for all. Now, she just sits during service, her thighs and tiny body making her look like a pear, gargles down tic-tacs, and that's it.
One day, during service, a father and his son were chilling next to me. The kid had to be about 8 years old. He had noticed that the butter barge wasn't doing church-aerobics with everybody else. (Sit, stand, kneel, stand, stand, sit, stand, kneel) He starts talking to his dad.
"Why isn't that lady standing?"
Dad says, "Because she is sick. She can't."
This kid was innocent. He didn't know the ways of the shitlord yet. He was honestly curious, as all kids are.
"Is it because she's fat?"
The church ham turned around, and gave his father the side eye. The kid got a light slap to the back of the head. I spent the rest of service grinning like a dumbass.
She didn't come back to church. I hear from other people that she is still hamming around, just not at church.
I guess an 8 year old hurt her fee-fees too much to go back.