The story so far, as told by /u/Tozetre and then myself:
I can swear to you all that all of this is 100% true.
Me: Auschwitzmode 6’0 143lbs human skeleton, working nights in a hotel lobby.
Roomies: watchin' dat train wreck.
SilkHam: 400 or so pounds of you're-all-just-jealous-at-least-I-HAVE-a-girlfriend at least her boobs are big right?
I know, it's been for-fucking-ever, but I've been sitting on this meaning to post it and today's the day. So here's the rest of the story.
One day I decided to be a writer. I drank a bunch of caffeine and started writing a webcomic. I needed an artist, and she jumped at the idea. Well, hopped. Okay, bounced.
“I can draw! I’m an artist!”
Friends, be wary of anyone who calls themselves an artist. She presented me with a folder full of weeaboo anime pictures, or rather a stack of the same picture of the same rail-thin catgirl front view drawn over and over again. Lily, her persona for the internets (Fun fact: Lily also was the name of my mom's cow in 4H when she was a kid). Poorly drawn, all slanting to the left (cardinal sign of someone who doesn’t know how to draw on a flat desk properly), but hell, it was something and I still thought I loved her. So I agreed.
She was convinced everything she did was good work. This is what happens when you live a life of self-deception. Dunning-Kruger was strong with this one. I would give her a script with VERY SPECIFIC instructions - I’d read Scott McCloud’s Making Comics and taken a University Film&Lit course, so I knew a little about framing and visual flow. She ignored all my instructions and presented me with bullshit drawings wherein even the backgrounds were inconsistent from one panel to the next. I once made her re-draw a strip from scratch three times before finally giving up, scanning the shit and editing it in photoshop until it wasn’t entirely horrible.
Some of those comics are still up. Most of them I later replaced with new art.
One time I went with her and her friend to a tattoo parlor. It was skeevy as hell. I got tired (nocturnal, remember?) and left while she waited for the flaming skull she was getting tattooed on the top of her left breast. I have no idea why she wanted it. Eventually she showed up at home with that and another.
“Look! On my back!”
I look. If I recall, it was a rose with a black feather and a red feather crossing under it, or something like that.
“Does this represent us? Because I told you it’s never ever a good idea to get a person tattooed on you.”
“Noooo silly it represents other things that I like blah blah :D)))”
This will matter later. For now the important thing is that she tattooed her left tit and her right shoulder blade at the same time, so she couldn’t sit or lay down ANYWHERE without pain and I got to laugh at her lack of foresight.
Her taste in makeup was atrocious. She would cake on as much product as possible until I thought I was living in an episode of the Drew Carey show. Her favorite was this gold shit with glitter in it that she’d smear on her eyelids. It got EVERYWHERE.
“Aren’t I pretty? They don’t even make this gold stuff anymore!”
“I wonder why.” -.-
She could hold a meaningless grudge like nobody’s business, too. She would fly into a rant if we drove by a gas station where a manager was mean to her once or a school where she had an unpleasant teacher. In all of these stories, she was being irrational and someone had put her in her place, so she’d just held on to this piece of hate forever. This is real fatlogic, here. “Someone was mean to me, so instead of learning what I did to make it happen I’ll hate that place forever and let it fester in my heart.”
MORE NSFL AHEAD!
She shed a lot. She had long hair and I found it EVERYWHERE. It was like having an enormous cat, except more needy. And then there was the smell.
You couldn’t smell too much unusual normally… until she got naked. Her crotch smelled like bread dough and fish. After I got over the SEX, YAY! aspect, I started being quietly grossed out by it. That and the weird discoloration around her bits.
One time I was playing a video game on my PC. Behind me was the bed, a foot away. I smelled something and from ONLY THAT INFORMATION knew she was laying naked on the bed and horny. I pretended not to notice and finished like five quests in Elder Scrolls. After I was sure she was asleep, I got off to internet porn.
And that thing about how much she bled? Yeah so there’s this theory that sperms can’t really swim upstream and she used that as an excuse to convince me to have murder-scene sex every month. “If it’s red, go ahead.” When she finally moved out, the white memory-foam mattress liner looked like a flag of Japan. It went into a dumpster and was hopefully eventually burned.
I tried to dump her three times before it finally took. When she finally realized it was over, there was the payoff:
“But I - blubber cry moan sniff - I TATTOOED you on my BODY”
“Bitch you told me that wasn’t me”
“-sniff- I LIED!”
Even then, she didn’t move out right away, because I couldn’t bring myself to dump her in the street. Her parents were not abusive, I was certain. They were the nicest people ever and loved me like a son. But I was still a neckbeard.
She offered me full “benefits”, presumably hoping that sex would convince me to take her back. I declined, for the most part. I threw her exactly one pity-fuck, shortly before she finally waddled out of my life. She still wanted me to kiss her coming and going, which I refused. It was fun having her around though. One time I got her so mad she would have dumped me:
Me: “Hey guys, how do you kill a fox?”
“I dunno, how?”
“Cut off its leg and make it run across Canada.”
SilkHam shoots eye-daggers at me (she was a bleeding-heart because her mom was really involved in ALS charity work. You know, that inconsequential disease that affects a tiny random segment of the population.)
Me: “What? It’s not like you’re my girlfriend or anything, you have no right to be angry.”
I think she really thought that it wasn’t over.
She realized it was over when I bought my new bed. It was a Tromso loft bed from Ikea, basically the top half of a bunkbed made from hollow metal tubes with a single spring mattress. There was no way in hell she’d have even get into it, and if she had it would have imploded. And she knew it.
I stood the box up against the wall and said “Yeah this is awesome, it’s like ArtBro’s bed. Once you move out I’ll put it together! NO RUSH THOUGH.”
Being a drama queen she soon insisted that we put it together, and she wanted to help. Of course, she couldn’t even hold up the corner of a hollow aluminum bedframe, so she wasn’t exactly helpful. While sitting on the floor taking a “break,” she asked the big question:
“Is this your way of telling me to get out?”
There were some pretending-to-be-hidden tears, and she retired to the couch, where she stayed for about a week before her mom came to get her and all her stuff. I never saw her again, but oh man did I hear from her.
First off, I happened to check my MSN settings and found that all her friends were blocked. I hadn’t done this, but it sure explained why they were never online. I realized she had broken into my accounts and banned her friends so we couldn’t compare stories. Or so they wouldn’t seduce me. I have no idea. According to her friends, she did similar things on their ends.
FurBro, who you'll remember from Toze’s post, was friends with one of her friends (the one I’d nailed in that one-night stand so long ago), and went out to lunch with the bunch of them a couple times. These lunches were hilarious as he caught and called her out for lie after lie about me. The best one is as follows:
“I’m working at EBGames now. CttCJim showed up and made a scene and was arrested.”
“Huh… he didn’t tell me that. When was this?”
“Two days ago.”
“FUCK YOU NO I’M NOT”
“Uh… he’s been in Texas all week having sex with his new girlfriend.”
My new girlfriend (now my wife) was also the new artist for the webcomic. SilkHam trolled her a couple times, threatening her if she should copy her “copyrighted character designs” or somesuch.
The last I heard of SilkHam was really truly the last. FurBro found out that she’d died of a Pulmonary Embolism. She was under 25. A life lived as ham is a life short-lived after all.
EDIT: formatting -.-