Have House of Leet, a Canadian geekhaus collective 6-bedroom with shared utilities and internet.
Be Tozetre, a hamplanet in remission who at the time of the story was 300lbs but with marginally less fatlogic than could be expected.
Be Artbro, a cool artist who ate very little and did a lot of kung fu with Tozetre.
Be Furbro, a furry but fellow school grad with Tozetre.
Be Auschwitzbro, a skeletonmode who graduated with Tozetre.
Be two other roommates who don't matter for this story.
Don't ever be SilkHam, 400+ pounds of real woman.
THE STORY SO FAR: SilkHam dates Auschwitzbro, has sex very noisily until I threaten to remove kebab lipid, moves in and gets Auschwitzbro to pay her share of the rent, saunters around the house in silk nightwear and tries to hit on housemates, prompting reactions that (possibly because we are all Canadian) are way more polite than honest. In that we leave immediately instead of throwing up on her shoes.
THE SAGA CONTINUES...
SilkHam has been living in the house for months now, her rent being paid by her boyfriend Auschwitzbro
Auschwitzbro is getting less enamoured of harpooning than he had been, but is a helpful bro
SilkHam has complained at length about her evil parents
SilkHam has complained at length about being poor
Auschwitzbro has decided to help her by helping her get a job! So that she can pay rent, because he is not super rich.
I am in the living room with Artbro and Furbro, just chillin'
Auschwitzbro finishes "helping" SilkHam "update" her resume by writing the entire thing
while SilkHam sits on their bed eating corn chips and complaining about how long it's taking him
Auschwitzbro and SilkHam emerge
"Hey guys we're going to go look for work for SilkHam at the mall. Want to come with?"
Tozetre, having learned by now, nopes the fuck out
Furbro desires vidja and so will accompany them
Artbro likes watching trainwrecks and so will accompany them
2 hours later I hear a car pull up
they don't own any cars
Auschwitzbro and SilkHam enter
"Hey guys, how'd it go?"
"She has an interview at Safeway," Auschwitzbro says, then scurries back into his room with SilkHam.
Artbro and Furbro enter
"Hey guys, how was it?"
Furbro gives me a haunted stare and heads to his basement lair without a word
Artbro sits down
"You will not believe this," he says. FLASHBACK - FLASHBACK - FLASHBACK
Artbro, Furbro, Auschwitzbro, and SilkHam leave the house
It is a fine summer day, warm and sunny
The mall is 10 blocks/intersections away
After one block, SilkHam is complaining that her feet hurt
After two blocks, SilkHam is complaining that she is tired and sweaty and everyone is walking too fast
After three blocks, SilkHam is demanding they return home
"But we're almost halfway there," Auschwitzbro lies, desperate to get his groin wallet out from under the ham thumb of this hamplanet beautiful creature. "Let's keep going!"
SilkHam grumbles but acquiesces
this is where the crosswalk across the major street is
Artbro and Furbro cross the street
Auschwitzbro and SilkHam cross--
SilkHam has thrown herself on the ground in the middle of the crosswalk. In order to throw a full blown temper tantrum.
traffic stopping, watching in awe as this magnificent creature of the sea, stranded so far from its home, struggles to return-
wait it's just some fat bitch throwing a fit? lolfuckthat
after a full 40 or 50 seconds of full-on (21 year old adult) tantruming, SilkHam is exhausted. So exhausted. She lies, spent and sweaty, in the
of the goddamned street
"Are you done," asks Auschwitzbro, staring into the hell his life has become.
"Ungh," says SilkHam.
"Can we go now?"
"Ungh," says SilkHam. Then, after no effort whatsoever, raises her hands. "Help me up."
Auschwitzbro, now operating entirely on autopilot, hauls on her with perhaps 1/3 her bodyweight. He gets her to a sitting position.
SilkHam puffs from the exertion.
"Good," she grunts, "now push."
Auschwitzbro looks up pleadingly to Artbro and Furbro
Furbro, demonstrating a charity of character which I have yet to see matched, goes to help. Furbro and Auschwitzbro take one arm each and pull
The earth loves SilkHam's curves too much to release her
Artbro is needed
Artbro should have volunteered first, because there is only one place left for leverage
Artbro approaches, places hands, and pushes
"It was," he said to me, "like pushing my hands into warm, salty, ham-smelling dough." He shuddered, and a single tear fell, before he resumed the story.
SilkHam, with the assistance of three adult men, returns to her feet
SilkHam completes her waddle across the street
It took only three signal cycles
The rest of the trip to the mall was uneventful. The dropping-off of resumes was uneventful.
But the departure, my friends
SilkHam is out of resumes
SilkHam loudly declares she deserves a treat for working so hard
SilkHam stares directly at Auschwitzbro
Auschwitzbro, hoping to promote good behaviour, agrees to buy her an ice cream
Furbro and Artbro also get ice cream, because what good is hippo watching without snacks?
SilkHam finishes ice cream in seconds
"Okay," says Auschwitzbro, "time to go home."
Auschwitzbro, Furbro, and Artbro all stand
"No," grunts SilkHam.
"No," repeats SilkHam, "I don't want to walk. We're getting a cab."
"I- but I can't afford it. I literally can't afford it. I'm out of money until payday. I only have ten bucks, that's not enough-"
"No," says SilkHam, ignoring the months of rent she owes him, etc., "I'm not walking."
Auschwitzbro turns to his friends, his companions-
"Good luck living in the mall!" Artbro says cheerfully, before walking to the exit. Furbro follows.
Auschwitzbro's plea softens Furbro's heart. And Furbro doesn't like walking all that much either, what the hell. He will split cab fare
Artbro grudgingly agrees to pitch in because he doesn't want to miss a second of this beetus
They returned to the house, flashback ends.
TL;DR SilkHam walks 10 blocks to find work, throws a tantrum midway in a crosswalk, demands ice cream for her good behaviour.
There are more stories yet to come, my sweets, but my sugahs are low and work requires my attention. I shall return in a day or two with tales of her adventures in the workforce, and the eventual beetusy-sweet justice she received.