This is kind of a thought salad and very vague. Sorry. Privacy reasons, you know.
Perhaps it's because the stakes feel different for me now. But before, being brave was easy. My biggest challenges were talking with others and fighting terrible shyness, or it was the state of my body, or some natural limitations. It didn't feel easy at the time, though. But I can say it is easier now that I am dealing with other monsters! And once I keep tackling those issues, eventually they became natural and not a challenge for me.
I guess I face the same challenge today, where I am fighting myself but more than ever and on a deeper, more fundamental level. Facing the consequences of my actions. That's hard because I never used to make these types of mistakes. Now that I do, it's so difficult to face myself. I hate that I ever did xyz to begin with, and I wish I could erase the whole thing. But that's not possible, and I'm foolish even to think of it.
I am angry that I have fallen so far. I feel worthless and undeserving of help, love, and understanding. I am so ashamed that I don't even want to ask ANYONE for the precise thing I need the most, partially because it's an admission to myself that I am flawed and partially because I don't want them to see me as such. So right now, for me, the hardest thing is asking for help. I am having trouble being brave about being weak. Ironic, no?