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It's been a rough couple of weeks here on Caleb's Island. The Kung Flu hit us hard, the first case in late February soon turned into a full-scale pandemic, infecting more than 97% of the population. Our best doctors and scientists desperately searched for a cure...bloodletting with leeches, voodoo, sacrificing virgins to the Virus God (we only found two after inspecting thousands)...none of it worked. Then came the shortages. Food, toilet paper, Pabst Blue Ribbon beer...the stores were stripped bare within a few days, and it wasn't long before people began to panic. In an attempt to avoid total chaos, I quickly sent a thousand bucks to every Calebian citizen, but with no food to be had, most folks blew the money on assault rifles and ammo. Soon, the streets were filled with sick, starving zombies, many of them heavily armed. Wide-scale looting and pillaging ensued, and there were disturbing rumors of cannibalism and bestiality.
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I had no choice but to activate the Calebian National Guard and implement Martial Law.
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It got ugly pretty quick. Most of the Calebian Guardsmen are trigger-happy rednecks, and with the shortage of PBR on the island, their nerves were already frayed. By the middle of March, bodies were stacked like cord-wood on the side of the road, the rotting corpses causing Typhoid and Cholera outbreaks, further worsening our already grim situation. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, rats began spreading Bubonic plague, there was a massive swarm of HIV-infected locusts that devoured all of our crops, and our volcano erupted as the result of a Mag 7 earthquake, which we believe was caused by the meteor strike on Saint Patrick's Day...it seemed as if God himself was angry with my tiny island.
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So I'm currently hunkered down in the Dictatorial Bunker, 75 feet below the Dictatorial Compound, along with the rest of the cast of captaincaleb.com.
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It's not too bad down here, I had the advantage of buying up all the toilet paper and PBR (1200 30-packs) on the island before I released the bad news about the virus to the public, so I'm pretty well stocked up. Being cooped up with these guys is challenging at times, Sal hasn't showered in a fucking week, and Stu keeps whining about the 200 bucks I owe him, but for the most part we're getting along. Uncle Otto seems to be getting a little sketched out, he's been having flashbacks to the Fuhrerbunker back in '45 and asking how close the Russians are, but the Thorazine and PBR seems to be calming him down a bit. I've given the order to the Calebian Air Force to napalm the population centers, and the Calebian NG is executing any diseased survivors and incinerating the bodies with flamethrowers.
Me? I'm staying stoned until this shit blows over...got a new bong and a quarter pound of Pineapple Express, all good to go here, lads.
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Stay healthy,
Captain Caleb Eldridge
Benevolent Dictator,
Caleb's Island
http://captaincaleb.com
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[–] 23005025? ago
The first time I saw this, I shared it with the wife and we had a good laugh. The second time I saw it, I thought damn maybe a few missed it. This is the 3rd time, now it feels a bit spammy. Oh and I'm not clicking on your link. I'm not here to generate web clicks for your ad laden site. Good story though.
[–] 23005089? [S] 0 points 1 point 1 point (+1|-0) ago
I ran it again because the first two times it failed to take off. This board is funny like that, a post bombs one day and the next it goes ballistic...seems to depend on the audience any particular day.
Also, no ads on my site...check it out.
[–] 23005276? ago
Fine I'll peek.