I was super depressed and masochistic, so I shut down from everyone for sometime. I'm sorry. Thanks for showing me your love while I was out battling my demons! Here is an explanation that I owe you.
Hello, dear friends. . . (:
I have pinged you here because you expressed concern over my whereabouts and well-being during my absence. Thank you. It means a lot that you thought of me, and even more that you reached out to me personally. I am sorry for my lack of communication during the past two months. I will offer an explanation for this.
Perhaps my depression has been apparent to some. It's not something I bring up all the time. I'm really quite terrible at communicating my issues. I feel shame and embarrassment because I know my life really ain't so bad. Other people have it harder, and I can barely manage my relatively cushy little life. Yes, I should know. . . Each person has their own battles! Comparison is often useless in this case. Nonetheless, this shame feeds into my tendency to clam up.
Unfortunately, clamming up does no help --- only damage. Repeatedly, I have done damage to myself by withdrawing from everyone, yet I continue doing it (innnnnnnsanity). I get to a point where I genuinely believe that I am undeserving of love and forgiveness, that I am worthless, that I cannot turn things around, and that it is really the end for me.
Thank you, really, for thinking of me. I am sorry for shutting down. It's inconsiderate. I was emotional and irrational, and I was only thinking of myself. Yes, a quick message to let you know that I am okay would have been the absolute minimum of courtesy I should have shown you. Online relationships are quite strange, but I do consider you folks to be my friends. I disrespected our friendship (again, with many of you) and mistreated you. I should admit that I have mistreated many people, including people in real life: friends, family, teachers. They also contacted me, showed me they care for me, and I have yet to respond to some (but I will now! This post is part of it.).
I dunno. I have developed a terrible habit of running away. I also earnestly believed that people don't love me and/or I am undeserving of their love anyways. I wish I knew why this is, but I know that I need to correct it. Please forgive me for my undue silence. I think I've been moderately-severely depressed for many years, but here, I had reached a depressive low like none other ever in my life. I was very alone during this time (by choice, as we know). I had turned away from everyone. But now I am re-born, and I wish to begin anew!
(As for what I've been doing. . . It's just school and getting on track for a professional career. Just trying to finish things up neatly and get up on my feet. It seems I burnt out hard core.)
So, once again, I thank you for showing any concern for me, even if it was an intangible thought, a little ping or something more. You helped save me from myself, and it is no understatement.
I'll try to respond to you personally as well, but pls have mercy if I miss sumfin. I thought of you all often, missed you all dearly, and love you all very much.